Why are your elbows poking at my sides?

She entered the matatu and dumped herself next to me. She sat with so much force that for a minute I felt the bus shake. Her friend sat on the opposite seat and they started chatting animatedly in 'Kiworia'. Her powerful perfume made my tummy replay the hunger sound effects, only, I wasn't hungry. Bloated.The guy at the back could hear them.

Her elbows were poking at my sides. Her head was almost lost in her biggunny handbag. Then she found it! Eureka! Chewing gum. She took two and gave her friend the other two. It seems she was from a nyama choma joint, because there was an omnipresent toothpick now being chewed along with the gum. Occasionally, she would spit mildly into the air, I guess to rid her mouth of the toothpick splinters and maybe the remaining pieces of meat.

I got off at my stop. Who cares about matatu etiquette anyway? Well I do.

1.  Take out your fare before you sit down

Ladies and gentlemen, please have your fare at hand before you get into the matatu if:
a) You are a man who will dig into his pockets looking for fare, in the process, 'touching' your seatmates thighs ovyo ovyo. Very uncomfortable.
b)  You are a woman who carries our big handy bags, which you have to dig through to find stuff. No one appreciates painful pokes to the sides and face.
Don't make me hurt you too.

2. No take away fries!! 

If you are carrying fries with you, open the window and hang them out in the air until you get to your destination. Evening rush hour has people spraying themselves with perfume/cologne before they leave the office. You know, you have to come out as fresh as you walked in, in the AM. Ubaya ni hujaoga. Then, there are those who don't bother spraying, so of course they sweat the whole day. Deal with it. The wind wronged us somehow, because opening a window in a matatu attracts nasty looks and unsolicited armpits on your face trying to shut the window for you. Look, it gets stuffy enough with the different perfumes. Yawa...eat the damn fries at Kenchic.

3. Buy ear/headphones

By all means, a matatu is public place/space. On one hand, one must contend with the fact that the seat will never be leather, or at least as clean, as you like them; or that the driver, and the matatu crew reserve the right (mostly) to choose whatever music you listen to.  Then again, that does not mean that when the air is dead, your neighbour takes it upon himself to unleash his music collection on the whole bus. Surely, who asked you? Uluhya tu :D

4. Lanes...

"Hatusemi wewe ni mnono, lakini ukikalia viti mbili, lipia." Loosely translated, "We ain't calling you fat, but if you occupy two seats, pay for them." Story for another day.

Now, unless you use matatus where there is always space for one more person (I will not mention names) one seat is ideally meant for one person. There are these guys who sit like they are in their own chauffeured Merc, feet splayed out to the other passenger's space...who of course does not have feet. Yeah. Of course. Lanes!! Oh, and while we are here get your feet off the aisle, someone might trip over them.

5. Mobile phones

Two words. You are not talking to the whole bus. Ok, those were more than two :D As much as we all 'love' Ghafla and all the juicy stories they feed us, we rarely want to listen to your stories live live. Some of us might pick them and blog about them. Others just want to sleep and drool all over their neighbours shoulders and the rest would like to ...I don't know...what do you like to do?

6. Excuse me....is not overrated.

When you get to your stop, and you were not sitting next to the aisle, please don't run over people in a bid to get to the door. Ebu nipite, or nashuka are not the words to use either. A simple excuse me, said audibly enough does the trick. That way you don't step on people's white Tomys  and expect them to have a pleasant day. Oh, and once you are told excuse me, please make way. If you know you filled up the whole seat, stand up and and allow the person to pass. That way, we avoid little embarrassments like my butt wiping all the make-up you took so much time to apply.

7. PDA's and related...

I don't know where to start with this one. Oh, I know. There are some pitiful men, who I have heard (thank God just heard) flash their wee wee(lol) to female passengers. Why? Why? Or ladies with overflowing cleavages. I will not say bad things. I'll leave it there.

Love is a beautiful thing, but PDA? It depends. Groping and doing all manner of things to your partner in the full view of other passengers is just insensitive. Gross. And I am not just saying that because I am ALLEGEDLY single. Lol! Get a room. Not just any enclosed space. A room.

8. Add another one here...

Phew! That felt nice...I have said my own. Enjoy your next ride :)