Pedestrian woes in this our Nairobi

If you are anything like me, you always do a mental prep and give yourself a pep talk before going into town. Bible verses work well...

"Psalm 56
[13]For You have delivered my life from death, yes, and my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life and of the living."

When you survive the matatu madness and manage to get the conductor to give you complete change, you know you have only won the battle, the real war awaits. You now have to walk among fellow mortals and stay alive. Why is this of great concern? I am glad you asked.

1. Humans. They that move like bulldozers. It is very easy to lose a shoulder on these streets. People are running sijui where. Most Nairobians walk fast to look busy and to fit in. Imagine!! Otherwise, how would you explain their stopping abruptly (no hazards or nothing) to read the newspaper headline. Meanwhile, that human following you has to reenact some moves they see in movies so they don't flatten their faces on your back. These ones are in good company too; the ones who again, stop in the middle of the street to tie their laces. But why!!! I want to include short people who use their umbrellas on sheltered pavements while it is raining in this category, but I risk losing friends in the process. Seriously though. Why? If you only knew how many stomachs you have butchered while at it, you will repent for the sins of your forefathers too.

2. The small mkokotenis. Guys, have you ever seen how confident these hand  trolley operators are? You would think they are driving a Mercedes. In fact, I am convinced they think they are, because some of them even have number plates. Woe unto you if you find yourself in the CBD in the evening during rush hour when most of the country buses have arrived; business is fast and urgent.  You should see them weaving through and past our poor feet as we also try to avoid the bulldozers, their grips firm on the 'steering wheel.' The only warning they give is an irritating shout seconds away from you or none at all. So, while watching out for pickpockets and bulldozers, one needs to keep an ear out for the Mercedes trolleys. All senses need to be activated. Ukikaa mbaya, utaenda home bila shoulder na mguu.

3. Hawkers.They who have infiltrated the CBD like a plague now own the pavements! I often find myself playing hop scotch while trying to avoid their wares. If you are one who sees the glass as half full, their wares will look like artwork on the ground. Beautiful colours and shapes forming a collage of sorts. However, if you are in a hurry and just wants to walk home or wherever in peace, you will find this very annoying. I hated Maths, yet here I am calculating angle thetas in order to avoid nyanyas and inevitably, a glory of abuses. Oh, trust me. You don't want a hawker to draw attention to you. The colleagues jump in for solidarity forever and the shame is something you don't want.
We need a Moses to deliver us from this plague.  The pavements are our inheritance and right as pedestrians. We resist you hawkers! Let my people go!!

4. Last, but definitely not least, motorbikes! Ghai! What is peace of mind? It is overrated. The bikes, just like hawkers, think the pavements are too wide to be used by humans on foot only. They use them as escape routes when they can't fit in between the buses and matatus. This, after trading insults with the drivers. Even as a passenger, one feels it would be safer on foot, but you quickly change your mind when you see your fellow hustlers scamper for and to safety. I can't say much about these, I am traumatized by the number of times my mother has been hit. It is for serious.

I have a couple more hazards on my list, but I feel my blood pressure rising with every paragraph. So I'll stop and maybe let you add more in the comment section. Indulge me for a few more seconds as I tell you about a first. I conductor rolled his eyes on me and said "Oh my God!"
I know what you are thinking. No, it was a man. It is all my fault though. I was pestering him for a five shilling discount and preaching to him how he should be humble and let God use him. He was so cute! He had dimples! It is my opinion that a conductor who has dimples can't afford to be rude or too firm. Smile for us!  So I fished out that card and played it! It worked! I just complimented his smile and voila!! Five shilling discount! Not before he rolled his eyes on me though.

See? There is hope.

Have a safe week, won't you?