Matatu Rides In The Corona Virus Era (11 tips on how to protect yourself)

Otherwise? How are you? Great? Awesome.

Since Corona Virus decided it will compete with Malaria, HIV and cancer in killing us, some of us have been thinking of ways to avoid infection. Salaams are now elbow bumps or 'namaste.' We have refused to shake hands like this like this, but apparently if you are a matatu user, you have been shaking a thousand hands per second.

Imagine it's the truth!

From the frame you hold when getting into the car to the overhead bar aka javelin and the seats, fingerprints and Corona stamps are everywhere in that matatu.

Halafu, I believe cases of people coughing in matatus have significantly reduced. No one wants to be a Corona suspect, so when a coughing urge arises, you lock it inside and shed tears. Si we know how Kenyans can be paranoid and just throw you outside to go die further than far from them? But these same Kenyans will not open a window in a stuffy matatu. They would rather die from Corona than get some cold wind blowing on their faces. You just keep saying that the immune system of Africans is stronger than chuma ya doshi. Shauri yenu.

So, in the spirit of earning the space I am currently occupying in this my house where our neighbor has decided to be drilling a borehore day and night, I would like to give you some tips on how to protect yourself in matatus.

You are welcome, in advance.

• Say a prayer and bind every spirit of Corona when entering and alighting the matatu. The Bible says that "The prayers of the righteous availeth much." It is of course tricky if you are unrighteous. Maombi yako will just reach the matatu roof and fall down. Okokeni please.

• Don't breath.
• Wear a mask
• Look at your neighbor badly if/when they attempt to breath in your direction.
• Wear gloves
• Sit near a window and open it wide. If someone tells you to shut it, turn and cough on their face.

• Tell the conductor to keep change. We are not handling other people's monies please.
• Buy that thermometer? they are using at airports and scan potential seatmates.
• Wash your hands once you get home or wherever you are going. Wash them properly. With soap. Mens, are you listening? The clothes you were wearing outside, burn them as soon as you can. 
• Don't dwell on corona thoughts. Think about locusts and if they finally reached Bungoma. Did they survive the wrath of the Luhyas? Is there anything they can't eat? Why would the government waste time warning the people not to eat the locusts? Also, what if these locusts are Chinese? They smelt Corona from a far and began migrating long before people started getting infected? Ghai. Pertinent questions.
• Finally, read previous issues of Matatu Chronicles here. I have heard people (reliable sources) say they are funny. Corona does not like people commenting 'lmao' 'lol' 'wawuuuu' with their brains, or even ribs cracking. So finish this really important piece and go read the less serious ones.

Si I have helped you? Great. Go have yourself a nice, cough free week. See you next week. I am serious. See you next week.

Matatu Methali of the week: Kupeana 1000 au 500 na fare ni 20 or 30 ni ungwana?