Why are your elbows poking at my sides?

She entered the matatu and dumped herself next to me. She sat with so much force that for a minute I felt the bus shake. Her friend sat on the opposite seat and they started chatting animatedly in 'Kiworia'. Her powerful perfume made my tummy replay the hunger sound effects, only, I wasn't hungry. Bloated.The guy at the back could hear them.

Her elbows were poking at my sides. Her head was almost lost in her biggunny handbag. Then she found it! Eureka! Chewing gum. She took two and gave her friend the other two. It seems she was from a nyama choma joint, because there was an omnipresent toothpick now being chewed along with the gum. Occasionally, she would spit mildly into the air, I guess to rid her mouth of the toothpick splinters and maybe the remaining pieces of meat.

I got off at my stop. Who cares about matatu etiquette anyway? Well I do.

1.  Take out your fare before you sit down

Ladies and gentlemen, please have your fare at hand before you get into the matatu if:
a) You are a man who will dig into his pockets looking for fare, in the process, 'touching' your seatmates thighs ovyo ovyo. Very uncomfortable.
b)  You are a woman who carries our big handy bags, which you have to dig through to find stuff. No one appreciates painful pokes to the sides and face.
Don't make me hurt you too.

2. No take away fries!! 

If you are carrying fries with you, open the window and hang them out in the air until you get to your destination. Evening rush hour has people spraying themselves with perfume/cologne before they leave the office. You know, you have to come out as fresh as you walked in, in the AM. Ubaya ni hujaoga. Then, there are those who don't bother spraying, so of course they sweat the whole day. Deal with it. The wind wronged us somehow, because opening a window in a matatu attracts nasty looks and unsolicited armpits on your face trying to shut the window for you. Look, it gets stuffy enough with the different perfumes. Yawa...eat the damn fries at Kenchic.

3. Buy ear/headphones

By all means, a matatu is public place/space. On one hand, one must contend with the fact that the seat will never be leather, or at least as clean, as you like them; or that the driver, and the matatu crew reserve the right (mostly) to choose whatever music you listen to.  Then again, that does not mean that when the air is dead, your neighbour takes it upon himself to unleash his music collection on the whole bus. Surely, who asked you? Uluhya tu :D

4. Lanes...

"Hatusemi wewe ni mnono, lakini ukikalia viti mbili, lipia." Loosely translated, "We ain't calling you fat, but if you occupy two seats, pay for them." Story for another day.

Now, unless you use matatus where there is always space for one more person (I will not mention names) one seat is ideally meant for one person. There are these guys who sit like they are in their own chauffeured Merc, feet splayed out to the other passenger's space...who of course does not have feet. Yeah. Of course. Lanes!! Oh, and while we are here get your feet off the aisle, someone might trip over them.

5. Mobile phones

Two words. You are not talking to the whole bus. Ok, those were more than two :D As much as we all 'love' Ghafla and all the juicy stories they feed us, we rarely want to listen to your stories live live. Some of us might pick them and blog about them. Others just want to sleep and drool all over their neighbours shoulders and the rest would like to ...I don't know...what do you like to do?

6. Excuse me....is not overrated.

When you get to your stop, and you were not sitting next to the aisle, please don't run over people in a bid to get to the door. Ebu nipite, or nashuka are not the words to use either. A simple excuse me, said audibly enough does the trick. That way you don't step on people's white Tomys  and expect them to have a pleasant day. Oh, and once you are told excuse me, please make way. If you know you filled up the whole seat, stand up and and allow the person to pass. That way, we avoid little embarrassments like my butt wiping all the make-up you took so much time to apply.

7. PDA's and related...

I don't know where to start with this one. Oh, I know. There are some pitiful men, who I have heard (thank God just heard) flash their wee wee(lol) to female passengers. Why? Why? Or ladies with overflowing cleavages. I will not say bad things. I'll leave it there.

Love is a beautiful thing, but PDA? It depends. Groping and doing all manner of things to your partner in the full view of other passengers is just insensitive. Gross. And I am not just saying that because I am ALLEGEDLY single. Lol! Get a room. Not just any enclosed space. A room.

8. Add another one here...

Phew! That felt nice...I have said my own. Enjoy your next ride :)

The People in my matatu

Nothing kills the boredom of sitting in traffic than a data enabled phone with twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Kindle...name it. Really? Imagine all the things you would actually SEE when you put down your phone and look around you. 

Reblogged from Clarity Central

I noticed the conductor’s black nail
His uncombed hair

His brown teeth and
His humongous belt buckle

I could smell  the diesel whenever the matatu accelerated

I could pick out the aroma of chicken and fries
Someone had carried some take out

I saw her fidgeting
Glancing at her phone every 5 minutes
Sometimes biting her lower lip whenever she glanced out the window

I could hear his techno music sipping through his earphones

I could hear a mother instructing the help to check her child’s diaper

I could hear the joyfully banter of the two colleges seated  in  the back

I saw the old man’s eyes flutter
He never seemed to stop yawning
I saw him adjust himself on the seat
Saw his eyelids slowly rest and his breathing slightly steadying.
Saw his head sway to the side as he napped

I saw the matatu speakers vibrating
Saw how dusty the carriage shelf was
I noticed how rusty the door hinges were starting to get.

I saw her squint and rub her eyes
I saw him motion to her to close the window
Saw her shake her head
I saw him clenching his fist and looking away

I smiled.

So this is what I miss when I’m fixated on my phone.

THE BOY WHO WANTS TO BE A MATATU DRIVER

I was watching The Churchill Show (arguably Kenya's top comedy TV show) the other day when the kids segment came up. They were featuring a 7-year old golf champion who will soon represent Kenya in Europe. Her interview was preceded by 'word on the street' where other kids were asked what they wanted to be when they grow up. One of them said confidently,

"Nataka kuwa dere wa Umoinner!" The audience burst into fits of laughter as the host jokingly said, "It matters where you bring up your kids."
Translation: I want to be a matatu driver. This kid was very specific about the bus he wants to drive too- Umoinner.

I laughed too. How can someone desire to be a matatu driver? 

 About a year ago, I sat in the front cabin with driver of a CBD bound matatu. It was raining inside the matatu, you know, the roof leaking and all. The matatu had no radio, my battery was dead, so we started chatting.

"It's hard being a matatu driver or working in this industry in any capacity. If it's not the City Council baying for your blood, its the rude air headed passengers who think they are better than us. Then there is the Traffic police who have collection points every five minutes drive." He said.

He (lets call him John) is a trained engineer. He actually worked in the industry a while before moving to the transport industry. "The pay was poor...not even enough to replace what I'd used to study engineering. I had to choose between having a 'respectable' job while struggling to make ends meet and leaving to find something that would respect my skills." He got initiated into matatus by his aunt and three months on as a driver, he realized what a jackpot mataus were if managed well. He went on to buy his own 14 seater but decided to sell it six months later citing losses. He still wanted to be in this industry so he sought a job with one of the leading bus companies where he works to date.

"Sure, this is not where I thought I would be growing up. The shifts are crazy! If you have a nagging wife, please, this one is not for you."

"So why do you stay?" I asked.

"Well, if someone would pay me my worth in what I trained for, maybe I would; but you know what? Despite all these challenges, I do enjoy my job. Its quite something maintain my level of uprightness in an industry that reeks insults and corruption...and I promise you there are more like me. We are educated and try every single day to make ends meet. Oh, na doe si mbaya saana! So don't be looking at someone and judging them just because they are behind the wheel of a matatu. I helped you get home today, didn't I?"

I wish I'd asked him what he thought of the kid who wanted to be a matatu driver. I wonder how he would have advised him. I remember the kid saying that he admires the way the drivers drive those buses and make sure everyone gets home safely.

Now, should we encourage this kid to dream bigger? Should we tell him that he can do better than be a matatu driver? Should we tell him that being a matatu driver should just be a back up plan? OR should we tell him that whatever HE chooses to be, let him do it the best way he can, with integrity? If you were to share some career advice with him, what would you say? Maybe he'll grow up and change his mind, eh?

Who are these jobs reserved for anyway?