Matatu Rides In The Corona Virus Era (11 tips on how to protect yourself)

Otherwise? How are you? Great? Awesome.

Since Corona Virus decided it will compete with Malaria, HIV and cancer in killing us, some of us have been thinking of ways to avoid infection. Salaams are now elbow bumps or 'namaste.' We have refused to shake hands like this like this, but apparently if you are a matatu user, you have been shaking a thousand hands per second.

Imagine it's the truth!

From the frame you hold when getting into the car to the overhead bar aka javelin and the seats, fingerprints and Corona stamps are everywhere in that matatu.

Halafu, I believe cases of people coughing in matatus have significantly reduced. No one wants to be a Corona suspect, so when a coughing urge arises, you lock it inside and shed tears. Si we know how Kenyans can be paranoid and just throw you outside to go die further than far from them? But these same Kenyans will not open a window in a stuffy matatu. They would rather die from Corona than get some cold wind blowing on their faces. You just keep saying that the immune system of Africans is stronger than chuma ya doshi. Shauri yenu.

So, in the spirit of earning the space I am currently occupying in this my house where our neighbor has decided to be drilling a borehore day and night, I would like to give you some tips on how to protect yourself in matatus.

You are welcome, in advance.

• Say a prayer and bind every spirit of Corona when entering and alighting the matatu. The Bible says that "The prayers of the righteous availeth much." It is of course tricky if you are unrighteous. Maombi yako will just reach the matatu roof and fall down. Okokeni please.

• Don't breath.
• Wear a mask
• Look at your neighbor badly if/when they attempt to breath in your direction.
• Wear gloves
• Sit near a window and open it wide. If someone tells you to shut it, turn and cough on their face.

• Tell the conductor to keep change. We are not handling other people's monies please.
• Buy that thermometer? they are using at airports and scan potential seatmates.
• Wash your hands once you get home or wherever you are going. Wash them properly. With soap. Mens, are you listening? The clothes you were wearing outside, burn them as soon as you can. 
• Don't dwell on corona thoughts. Think about locusts and if they finally reached Bungoma. Did they survive the wrath of the Luhyas? Is there anything they can't eat? Why would the government waste time warning the people not to eat the locusts? Also, what if these locusts are Chinese? They smelt Corona from a far and began migrating long before people started getting infected? Ghai. Pertinent questions.
• Finally, read previous issues of Matatu Chronicles here. I have heard people (reliable sources) say they are funny. Corona does not like people commenting 'lmao' 'lol' 'wawuuuu' with their brains, or even ribs cracking. So finish this really important piece and go read the less serious ones.

Si I have helped you? Great. Go have yourself a nice, cough free week. See you next week. I am serious. See you next week.

Matatu Methali of the week: Kupeana 1000 au 500 na fare ni 20 or 30 ni ungwana?

How I Almost Met Your Father Too

I was watching 'The Wedding Show' a few years ago when I heard one of the most interesting stories about #HowIMetYourMother. The man described how he was attracted to his wife's long fingers before he even saw her. They were in a matatu and I imagine it was one of those rough rides. A sudden braking could have had the woman holding on to dear life, and as they say, they rest is history.

The last thing I usually want is to be hit on in a matatu. At night. Priss. Let me collect #MatatuChronicles data in peace, better yet sleep or read a book (Wajuaji, we are reading on Kindle or e Reader Prestigio). This past week however, something happened.

First of all, let me apologize. I boarded a matatu that was already full. I know, shame on me - but imagine it was 2130hours and I was really tired. I didn't even know it was full because when you ask the conductor "Kuna kiti?" He says, "Mingi! Hata huwezi maliza madam!" Then you get in and realize Ala? There are many seats alright, 66 in some cases, but what you should really ask is if there is an unoccupied seat. Not a free seat, an unoccupied seat. Again, these conductors can be very smart mouthed. 

So yeah, got in, all these tired eyes are looking at me those ones for, "Aren't you that Matatu Chronicles chic who always tells people not to get into a matatu that's full because no one wants your butt on/in their faces? See your miserable self!" But me I was carrying mangoes so I wasn't gonna get into a fight with anyone and lose this preciousness that Mo gave me with a clean (h)eart (That's a shout out  to the one Kamba friend who cares for me 😂). Right. My butt is there on someone's face as the journey continues.

Along the way, we pick more people and I just want to cry because that means I have to keep moving further back the aisle and inconvenience these seated saints. I start thinking happy thoughts like how when I get home I will wash two mangoes and bite into them simultaneously. I imagine the soup/juice running down my arm and me licking it with my tongue. I feel a smile on my lips. So good! I am sorry if I grossed you out, but these are MY happy thoughts. Go have yours.

I become aware of my smiling and in that moment, I lock eyes with a bespectacled gentleman to my left (Lakini, if they are wearing glasses do we still call that locking eyes? These are important questions). I smile again, more awkwardly actually and he immediately responds by standing his over six foot (😉) self up and offering me his seat. Mayooo! What in the name of this does not happen in Kenya anymore is this man doing? Imagine I told him I am okay, and he responded by telling me, "No, you are too beautiful." Wueh! #ChivalryIsNotDead #YouAreBeautifulItsTrue...

Of course I know I am beautiful. In fact beautiful does not begin to even describe me, but I will take it (go roll your eyes ova theyaaaa 👉🏾) I accept the seat and thank him for his kindness.

"I was raised by a woman," is all he says.

I ask him where he gets off and coincidentally, that's my stop too. I was hoping he would continue with his journey so I could take that five minute walk I love in peace, but no, fate had other ideas.

"Thanks again for your kindness. I really appreciate." I tell him again when we shuka.

"I am not kind, just responsible and sensible."

"Well, whatever it is, it's appreciated."

He asks where I live so he can make sure I get home safe (No way I am telling him where I live. I have been watching too much of the ID (Investigative Discovery) channel on GoTv and I think my paranoia levels are up a few degrees. I decline the gesture. He asks if I am married. I say no. He throws a fist into the air and shouts "Yes!" He doesn't care if I am seeing someone, bora tu sio marriage.

I really am tired and I just want to go eat my mangoes. Surely. Fatigue says, "Just give him your number we see what he will do with it." He is 6ft after all. 

But this tall man and his nice spectacles and good manners and alcohol laced breath burnt his picture and failed all his ancestors when he asked, "Ni save nani?"

GASP!

Imagine we had just introduced ourselves less than five minutes ago. Cheki huyu. He had burnt the whole album. So I look up to heaven and tell God, "See your sons. These are the heirs to your kingdom. Fix it Lord! " 

So close!

Matatu Methali of the Week:  

Kabla hujanichukia, jiulize, je, una msaada gani kwangu?

Happy New Month! Have a good one!