Happy New Year Mafans! Imagine I am still alive! Praise Jesus! You may have already made your 2020 goals (of course, it's February) but allow me to pile on the pressure. On this first post this year, here are matatu ride goals for you!
1. Greet your neighbor
Greet them. If you hear their breath smelling bad, abstain from more engagement. Engage further if you want to but also remember there are better things to do like sleep.
Light bulb: This could be an opportunity to do personal CSR. Mint, water for everyone with a stinking mouth 💦💦
2. Peep at your neighbor's phone/book/newspaper
You could save all our lives, for instance, if the text message is that one confirming bad things being planned (sijasema al-shabaab)
Again, if anxiety won't let you sleep, peeping at your neighbors resources is a great way to while time away.
Finally, because #UdakuIsLife. We just can't resist putting our noses into someone's business. Cue music 🎵 Tell them that's it's human nature... 🎸
3. Sing along to the driver's playlist
This was, still is one my 2020 goals. To just show off my vocal range to an audience that could care less about my ability to speak, let alone sing. Oh, and the Lord has been good to me, pairing me up with drivers with amazing reggae and soul play lists. Once in a while the devil will whisper to the driver and he will play akina Wamlambez. I guess I need to be okay with the fact that there are people that want to chant Wamlambez in the matatu too. Look, I am not okay with it, but I will allow it (while casting all those demons out, sheteteteee).
Point is. Sing. Sing till the speakers go silent and it's just you and the imaginary choir adorning purple robes backing you up.
4. Reject old notes from the conductor
Because why should you accept old notes? If I give you new notes, you give me new crispy notes for change, and vice - versa.
5. Sleep
Imagine you are sitting back left in your state of the art automobile. Your chauffeur is of course piloting. You either woke up early to beat traffic or are stuck in traffic during the evening rush hour.
Warning: Hopefully they won't attempt to drug you and steal your everything, including sweet dreams.
6. Scold another passenger for littering
I am that one. I will just fall short of saying, "don't be stupid. Littering is stupid. Is this the legacy you want? Stupidity?." Not much to be said here, if you are not already doing it, I want to encourage you start being your brother's keeper.
7. Choose seats based on the other person's weight/gender
I have said this before, if you are going to occupy one and a half seats, just sit well well and pay for two seats.This is not fat shaming, it is being fair because the other person sitting half assed might get thrown out of the window when the driver hits the emergency brakes (also, I am pro life 😊). So yes, I choose seats based on how I will fit. Petite ladies are my favorite seat mates. God bless them. Stop looking at me like that. You do it too.
Gender. Well. Ever since mens began jerking off live live in Public Service Vehicles (PSVs) I can't, unless it is an emergency, sit next to someone's son. No sir. Especially not at the back seat. In short, I don't feel safe.
Plus. Man spreading. Ptho!
8. Bargain
Hamsini tao, tao fifty!
Si thirty?
Fifty madam
Ah. Mimi niko na thirty. (steps off the curb) Wacha tu ningoje ingine.
The economy demands it. Tomorrow when they say thirty you say twenty. Are we together?
9. Master which side the sun is.
Eii. But why don't I get this right, ever? I am always smelling like roasted meat when I alight because I just couldn't figure out the sun's placement at certain hours. Am I alone in this? Are you all scientists with a degree in astronomy or something? How do you know these things?
10. Helping the driver curse another matatu/motorist
Admit it. You have done it before. You are sitting upfront with the driver. He calls out another road user and you feel it is your life's sole purpose to back him up. "Some people should not be given licenses aki. (add click for punch)." Meanwhile it is your driver who should be somewhere working as a sprinkler because between the saliva storms and the swerves, he would honestly be better off at a lawn somewhere, watering the grass.
But our loyalty shifts like tectonic plates. Tomorrow he will be on the receiving end because we will be in the other matatu. Awww. Equal opportunities.
Bonus: Wear 'nguo mbaya'
Ladies, apparently fellow passengers have to approve of your dressing every day. If you slip, someone might just blurt out, "Umevaa nguo mbaya." So yes, you are normal. All of us get told that every so often.
Matatu Methali of the week: Songea mwenzako, starehe ni kwako.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
