The day I met Babu Royal Swift

“Gari iko poa, dere yuko smart, konda ni msawa lakini abiria ni sumbua. Iko nini?”

I saw this in a matatu a while back, and only recently did it make sense for me…because let’s face it: Magari mob hazikuwangi poa, dere hakuangi smart na konda huwa ako tricky. I don’t know what it is with Ngara-Eastleigh matatus, but after 7pm, things take a serious roundabout sharp turn (what?) Conductors are intoxicated, drivers are rude, and the matatus are as rickety as a cricket (again, what?) But Alas! This past Saturday, the Lord had me board this excellent matatu plying the Mombasa road route. I have not been the same. 

Someone had suggested that I go get a matatu at Railways Bus Station, but I think the man upstairs was guiding me a good one, because as soon as I got into one Babu Royal Swift, I reached! First point of excitement, LEGROOM! Sufficient legroom! Only six footers will understand why this would take someone to cloud nine (apart from Bro. Ochola’s prowess, of course.) Halafu konda was clean, he was even wearing a Bluetooth device! Imagine. I am sure dere alikuwa nayo pia. I felt safe. 

Rarely do I encounter such kondas. This one was calm, cool and collected. He did not shout, “Pesa mkononi, na mjue sina change. Coins tafadhali!!” Sigh! On my ride to town this morning, there was a sticker, “Ujinga ni kutoa thao na fare ni mbao.” You would never find such on Royal Swift. Here you find the ones that say, “Customer is king” or “Hakuna stage ya ten bob” or “Why settle for less, when you can have more?” I leaned back on my clean bedbug-free seat and smiled. 

When we got to the Nyayo Stadium roundabout, Safaricom sent me a text, “Dear Customer, your Data Bundle is almost finished. Dial *544# to check your data bundle balance.” Lakini Safaricom wako na ufala! Just when you are about to update something meaningful like the pure awesomeness of Babu Royal Swift, they do this. Then ghafla bin vu! I see this;

Name: Babu

Password: babybabu01

Could it be true? Second point of excitement: WIFI! Wait, does it work? The Rongai mats have usernames and passwords but almost never work. I hear their sockets work though; at least you can charge your phone. I tested it, OMG it works! WORKING WIFI! Sema kuupdate picha tatu Instagram zikifuatana, and linking them to all social media profiles?! You know how Instagram sucks up data bundles? I wasn’t about to take chances! I looked around and wondered why everyone was so calm even with such a gift, given freely, like salvation (I was later told, wamezoea. That Route 33 matatus are always stepping up) I was having such a good time with this super fast wifi that when the konda shouted,”Sameer!” I felt like telling him, “Si hapa!” I alighted and asked him if he knew where Purpose Centre Church is. While he was busy pointing at corners and instructing on which dirt path to take, my last photo uploaded. Ha! Oh, did I mention they also had surveillance. Weh! 

See the camera on the right?

So apparently us people from Ngara, Parky and Eastleigh have been missing out, eh? Isorait. I hope someone from the Eastleigh Sacco reads this.

FAREWELL ROUTE 24

“Leo itabidi umepanda hii ya mbele kaa uko na haraka,” Omosh tells cheerfully me pointing at a Citi Hoppa. The Kenya Bus Service he was helping fill up only had two people, while the Citi Hopa had about two seats to be filled. I was running late. You simply can’t be late for your last day at work. It’s uncouth. So I went ahead and boarded the other bus.

Have you ever given thought to the kind of impact the route you use has had on your life? Well, I have, but today I thought about it kabisa! Matatu Chronicles was birthed while I was using this route. Two and a half years…

Omosh is the first person I greet every morning, after my family and building caretaker. His work ethics has always impressed me, a perfect example of “Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might!” He is so good at his job, that commuters plying the Bomas-Karen route just look out for him or his voice and blindly (lol) board the bus he is in-charge of. He then pockets fifty shillings and moves on to the next bus. Often, he is able to fill up to three buses before the Citi Hoppa Company fills one. To be honest though, I have always preferred the Citi Hoppa, the drivers and conductors don’t just abandon you or hand you over to a 14 seater where your knees suffer from… never mind. Story for another day; but somehow we are still bewitched by Omosh’s smile and courtesy. That said, The Kenya Bus Service (KBS) drivers and conductors should change their ways. They are doing Omosh’s efforts a great disservice. 

A Kenya Bus Service Bus :D Photo: Courtesy 

Then there are the passengers.  They have made great subjects for the numerous rants and raves on this blog.  Unwillingly of course :D They almost feel like family. There is this tall guy who I have always found intriguing, but was too much of a coward to say hello to.  He is very tall dark and handsome, and we have lots in common. Like we’d both hit the roof if we didn’t bend just a little. Maybe the perfect pick up line would be “Hey, do you believe just how limited the leg room on these PSVs are?” and we would hit it off. Note to self: Boldness is a virtue.

Its not just the guys, there is this lady who always waits till we are past Hardy Police Station then fishes out fresh mandazis. The bus is usually half empty and so the aroma wafts freely, no unnecessary barriers. It is not her fault. She is not aware of my #FlatTummyQuest and how her wheat goodness just sets me back.  I let her do it. Its not like I can report her to the Kenya Bus Service, “Hello, does your company have a policy against people who cause mental, physical and aromatic trauma to other passengers? Oh yeah? I’d like to report someone.”

Since I am almost always the last person to alight, I have made it my business to know everyone’s stop. That way, if they sleep or forget, I can alert the conductor on their behalf, seriously.  

The conductors. These ones have been mostly pleasant, you know, except for when they see I am wearing white and then go ahead and transfer me to a filthy 14-seater matatu just because there are only five of us left in the bus. Or that one who always scolds me for paying my fare using a thousand shillings note, “Sasa unataka nitoe wapi change hii asubuhi yote? Ona hizi one thousand zote mumenipea! Mtangoja!” I would then give him that look that holds as many trophies as Serena Williams has for sending my antagonists to land of no return. I see the female conductors’ well done hairs, darkened nails and fingers and wonder when this job became so ‘normal’ for ladies, and yet they do it so well! They do not complain, they let both of your feet land on the ground before they hit the bus and yell, “Tukienda!” Yes, we need more of them! Part time job anyone?

Citi Hoppa busses Photo: Courtesy 

Who else has memorised all the billboards along their route? Noticed the infrastructural changes on the roads? Oh, do tell; did you meet Mr. or Mrs. right on your commute? How many books have you completed? How far along are you on that candy crush game everyone is playing? (PS: I have never played it, and I am not judging you…but what is so fascinating about crushing candy?) I remember reading The Secret Life of Bees, The Abortionist Daughter and a host of other books including A Thousand Splendid Suns most recently.

The scenery. Inspiring. I see all those posh houses everyday. I must work harder. #MoneyGoals. I have also come to the conclusion that when  finally build that house, there must be a basketball court.

Why am I telling you all this? It is not making sense (this is where you tell me, “Of course it is!”) I will not use this route everyday anymore. The chronicles might change a tad bit, not too much though. I just won’t be updating my Facebook status with a check in of ‘Karen Country Club’ while the bus rushes past the establishment. Change is real, and it is happening. I’ll let you know when I get another route that I can be faithful to for a while. Until then, enjoy your route, it may have more lessons and prompts than you have cared to look out for!

Death...

I waved 'good' morning at Omosh and the other guy and got into the bus. Damn it! All the window seats were taken! I started walking towards the back of the bus, scanning each of the remaining seats and the people already seated, you know, to see which spot would fit my jaluo behind :D I found a spot, still a little too narrow, but the best of the worst. It was only when I had settled that I noticed him, right there at the door.

I had seen him before, I think in the same No. 24 buses. He is slender and tall, his height made even more apparent by the way he hunched to avoid the bus roof. Today, he held his black accordion and gracefully played 'a number'...I remember the lyrics, "Nimemuona Bwana, nimemuona bwana, nimemuona bwana, anapendeza."(I have seen the Lord and He is good)

There was something about his voice...

My mind wandered to 8:35AM when my sister's number came up on my Samsung. I knew what she was going to tell me, but I answered anyway, hoping that I was wrong. I was right. I hung up and broke down, alone. I can't remember the last time I broke down so loudly. I muffled my mouth with the leso that was lying on the bed and let it all out. After a while, I cleaned up, left for work, my eyes still bloodshot. I was sure nilikuwa nimelia share ya leo yote...

His voice was so good! I don't know...maybe because in this whole bus he was the only one who seemed to understand that I was in pain. That I needed reassurance that God is still God, even now. I sang along, having grasped the lyrics and my eyes welled up again. A young lady took the last seat at the back and we left.

Msanii, as he called himself stopped the singing and in a brief sermonette, reminded his 'congregation' that life is a gift. I was holding my current read "The land of a thousand splendid suns" to my chest and scrolling on my phone. "Wengine wenu leo mliamka and the first thing ulichukuwa, was a novel. Wengine wenu simu, wengine....." Wait! This guy was using my stuff as props for his message. I think. I will have him know that I didn't grab anything as soon as I woke up, well, except the toilet door. My bursting bladder wouldnt have let me do anything else. On a normal day, I probably would have taken offence, but today I just smiled. Today wasn't a normal day. For the first time in a long time(ever?), I gave sadaka in a bus.

I needed to take my mind off things, so I opened the novel. Chapter 19. What are the odds? Mariam's brothers have just died in the Afghan war. Death. Mariam doesn't feel the way I do though. She was not yet born when they went off to join the army...
I knew him. I remembered his fedora, his pin stripped suits, his trademark pinch...I quickly reached for my handkerchief before my neighbour noticed anything.

The Nyayo Stadium roundabout is a mess! Pardon me, a river...

My grandfather. He is dead. I can't believe everyone is acting so normal in the matatu. It is not a normal day. Not for me.

We cried for Soddom...

"Shukisha hapo Seldom!"

Wapi?

Seldom!

The tout hits at the door with his steely hands and shouts, "Dondoa Soddom!"

"Wewe! Sio Soddom, Seldom!" At this, everyone, well, almost everyone, bursts out laughing. The old man wasn't impressed that someone would turn a decent Seldom to Soddom.

"Wee Mzee, shuka. Si umefika?"

"Lakini ujue hapa si Soddom!!" He said as he alighted. "Wee unajua Soddom na Gomorrah kweli?"

I understand his fury. If you've read the Bible, you know that Soddom and Gomorrah were THE Sin cities. All the bad things you can think of happened there. So to tell this old man that he's going to a place with such a name, was sort of an insult. I tried not to look at the woman next to me, but I could feel her sides vibrate. Someone was amused.

Away from the side shows though, we, Kenyans, are officially a paranoid, scared and tired lot. We have resigned to fate, a Que Sera Sera attitude of sorts.This is especially with respect to the recent terror attacks on public institutions. First it was the attack on the Westgate Mall where a little over 60 people lost their lives, and most recently, a similar attack on a university in Garrissa  where we lost 147 of the most promising lot of young people. These events shook us as a country and even though the security agents are always giving speeches saying, "No stone will be left unturned" and "We shall not be cowed by the cowards", we still can't shake of the feeling of constant danger. This was evidenced recently in a matatu I had boarded home.

The driver had just pulled out of the bus stop and was navigating through the oh so so terrible traffic on our way out of the Central Business District. We had stopped for about a minute when we heard a blast! Suddenly, the hooting stopped and was replaced by screams and chaotic scampering. Before we could figure out what was going on, a woman seated on the opposite seat to mine said, "Wee tufungulie tushuke. Tutakufia hapa", all this while trying to push her not so slim frame to the front. Someone asked her where she was going and told her to calm down, and two or three others chimed in, "Saa huko nje unaenda kufanya nini? madam tulia..." She went back to her seat, seemingly confused and terrified, like the rest of us. Then it happened.

A cough here, another one there and then, "Open the windows!" "No close them" Hii teargas itatumaliza. It was teargas. The county council officers were trying to disperse the notorious hawkers from the CBD, and their brilliant idea was to fire teargas canisters and 8pm, a time when the Nairobi streets are teeming with both human and motor traffic. Needless to say, we couldn't have been more relieved when the roads opened up and the driver quickly whisked us to some fresh air (NOTE TO SELF: Always carry a wet handkerchief :D) You can imagine how much tension was still hanging in the air until someone at the back shouted,

"Shukisha hapo Seldom!"

Hawkers in running battles with city council askaris
Photo: Internet

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Hakuna stage inaitwa "Hapo dere!"

BEDBUGS

I have been listening to the news, and I'm worried.

The Headlines read: Nairobi neighbourhood grapples with bed bug infestation

My friend, bedbug infestation in this our small Nairobi. Now in addition to worrying about drunk drivers, traffic snarl ups, random bomb scares and thieving beings, I have to device ways to not become a carrier. You know, a bedbug carrier. You laugh. These things are serious.This is why I am freaking out.

1. Bedbugs do not fly, but they can move quickly over floors, walls, and ceilings. Female bedbugs may lay hundreds of eggs, each of which is about the size of a speck of dust, over a lifetime. Under favorable conditions the bugs can develop fully in as little as a month and produce three or more generations per year.

Someone from the affected neighbourhood gives the bugs a lift to town. They then take the same matatu/bus I am in and sit next to me. "Aaaah, fresh blood! Hii kwanza inakaaa tamu because of all the fruits and salads she eats #flattummyquest! Sluuuurp!" The bug would exclaim! And just like that it will go calling his/her comrades who also came to town, to test these new grounds. Then the cycle will continue. We will be at the mercy of the little monsters, especially because the females may lay hundreds of eggs before you finally get a hold of and execute her.

2.Their initial hiding places are typically in mattresses, box springs, bed frames, and headboards where they have easy access to people to bite in the night.

Aki! You all know how I love my sleep, I love mornings because they symbol unmerited favour, gift of life. I also kinda don't like them because I have to wake up and you know, work, and, and and...I just love my sleep. Rest assured these bugs wont give me a good night rest. Implications: I will fall asleep in the bus on my way to work(if the ones on transit don't get to me first), and risk that thieving character relieving me of my valuables or worse, missing my stop then having to explain to the boss that because bedbugs, therefore I am late. Excuse my English.

3) Most bedbug bites are painless at first, but later turn into itchy welts. Bedbug bites are on any area of skin exposed while sleeping. 

Welt: A red, swollen mark left on flesh 

Sisi kama rangi ya thao community need not blemishes. Everyone knows that people have met their better halves in matatus and they've lived happily ever after. Of course! I am just saying, all the itching and the resulting welts wont make you attractive. No matter what they tell you, the first physical attraction definitely counts :D 

So how are we going to counter this? I have a few suggestions:

1) Buy a car and never give lifts. 

2)Protect yourself: While using public transport, insulate yourself with some sort of material...sanasana juala; do not expose any skin. Oh, aki this one is for the already hitched ones. Lol!
  

3) Install a hot shower and a have change of clothes for you and your guests right next to the gate. The used clothes must be set ablaze.

4) Start eating bitter herbs and taking mwarubaine(Neem plant juice). Bugs are rarely on a diet. Your blood will become bitter and they won't like that, so they'll leave with their young and unborn ones, because they do not want any one of them to go through such injustice. 

Finally.

Because bedbugs live solely on blood, having them in your home is not a sign of dirtiness. You are as likely to find them in immaculate homes and hotel rooms as in filthy ones. So relax. As soon as your blood becomes tasteless to the new generation bugs, they'll move.

Even so, I hope, pray that matatus will still keep the seats clean. Yesterday, my friend and I encountered a huge cockroach in the matatu. Have bug free rides this Easter season yo!

Additional information from:

http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/guide/bedbugs-infestation