TGIF!! TGIV!!
Valentines IS a BIG deal. I don't know why people pretend its not and try to look all macho, please! So now, in the first matatu I boarded, no one had worn red. These boring people! The mood was not right here, watu walikuwa wamekula ndimu nini? I sat there Facebooking, with my touch of red, not too obvious and not to be ignored either. This week the conductors have been all things mannerless, annoying and nothing good; but today, he smiled his stained teeth at me and said "Good day!" Awwww! Aki ni valentines! I believe!
Wee! What was missing in my first ride was made up for in the CBD! Red tu! Stands with red monkeys (really?!!), teddy bears, flowers (both plastic and real) plus the lady with the red wedges, red dress, red hairband all colour blocked by her complexion and the black paper bag she was carrying, dotted the streets.
I din't tell Omosh (refer to first blog post) "Happy Valentines", but I did wave. The air in the matatu was stuffy. I secured myself a window seat and hastily opened the window lest I suffocate on this auspicious day. It would be a tragedy. "She died smelling bad things instead of roses." Nothing in the matatu screamed VALENTINES! Except of course for the music. As I sat down, the song "I just can't stop loving you' was playing. Was it a sign that it was going to be a good day? Hmmm, I think its important to mention that he-the driver also played Tina Turner's 'What's love got to do with it?' Sigh. Otherwise, the nappers napped, the eaters ate and the readers read. The chic next to me was busy using her phone as a mirror. Times are hard. If I was her boyfriend, I would have been saved the trouble of thinking up a valentines gift.
Even the roads are feeling romantic today. No traffic even on the notorious parking lot that is Lang'ata road. The Nyayo Stadium roundabout is awash with activity as ladies and gentlemen in red t-shirts carry out some sort of promotion...which reminds me, I saw a lady wearing a Bites promo tshirt. It was red alright. She might have been going to work, at the bites company, or-my best bet- she was in the red theme. Surely, its never that serious. If you cant find a red something that's not doing a free sales pitch, wacha tu...
And that was my valentines morning, ended in a bit of an anticlimax though, at a stop before mine, when both the driver and the conductor decided to take a piss kando ya barabara. One thing you must do when you get off a matatu, wash your hands, especially if the conductor handed you change. That is all.
Am out! Happy Valentines! Don't call me, tell me in the comment box below :D
Friday 14 February 2014
Monday 10 February 2014
IDENTITY CRISIS...NOT!
This should have been a Friday post. Laziness! I rebuke thee!
****
At any one time, Public Service Vehicles (PSVs) in Kenya have all manner species of the the Kenyan population. The ring leader of course is the conductor. They always stand out, whether they are being extremely rude, unbelievably polite or pocketing our change. Once in a while, they surprise us with language gems. Take this one I encountered on my way to church. He was quite upset that the driver had let another mini bus overtake theirs, which I must say was quite a mkebe! So naturally, it couldn't keep up with this one christened 'Chrome'. It would be safe then to say that our matatu was 'Windows'. A while later, the driver had to give up the 'chase' and that's when I heard one of the most hilarious sayings as said by the conductor. "....aaaahh, wachana naye! Huwezi shindana na ndovu kukojoa!" What?! But having worked with elephants...I see where he's coming from :D
Anyway, See if you can spot yourself...
1. The napper
I am sure we have all found ourselves here at one point or another. As soon as you pay your fare, you are off to dreamland. This is especially convenient if you are a long distancer, even in Nairobi. Now, there is nothing wrong with sleeping, just a few ground rules to help you and your seatmate and sometimes the whole bus:
-Secure all your belongings. Don't go putting a brother into temptations or leading one to break the 10 commandments na ulikuwa tu umeanika vitu hapo.
-If you didn't brush your teeth before you left the house, or wherever, chew some gum. not the sugary ones. mint. It is just a precaution because my 123 research reveals that 98% of passengers are likely to sleep with mouths agape.
- In the same breath, your stomach must have been cleared prior to boarding the bus/matatu etc. Yeah. Enough said.
-Unless you are travelling with a loved one, seatmates' shoulders are off-limits.
- If you are travelling alone, time your sleep, ama utapitishwa.
2. The idler...ok, the observer
These ones always insist on having the window seat. Try asking them to open it for some fresh air though..."Na si kuna upepo baridi sana? Mi huwa na shida ya kifua" Surely, then let someone else have the seat. Anyway, these ones look outside and blankly into space the whole time. Once in a while they will glance at the contents of the reader's book, paper, or phone and help them read. smh! beware of these ones, their seemingly absent mindedness sometimes makes your valuables do disappearing acts. They can also get scary with all their staring.
2. The reader
These are the model citizens. If its not a newspaper, it's a very thick or thin novel or the smart phone. It doesn't matter, they are always reading. They of course have to deal with the The Idler, but most of the time, random giggles, laughs and sighs give you an idea of what's happening in their own world. Yeah, especially the ones reading FaceBOOK and whatSHARP!
3. The activist
aaaaah! These are just the best, or the worst depending on what side of the scuffle you are at. Once, some guy calmly called the conductor and asked him if the radio station could be changed. The conductor declines and tells him to ask the other passengers. So the guys gets up, on behalf of all those wishing Classic 105 away. Long story short, no one supported him, woiye and no one counteracted his arguments either. So, status quo. I mostly love the activists who zusha when the fare is hiked and actually refuse to pay that amount. They be my heroes.
Half the time though, these ones are usually drunk. Why? Smh. Kenyans are cowards. We would never utter some things and challenge these matatu guys unless we are high on something e.g anger. Who disagrees? No one. Good.
4. The talker
Hehe. Talkers. Quite obvious isn't it? They are the worst neighbours when all you want is a good read, sleep or idling :D "Umeskia Maina leo? aki nyinyi wasichana wa siku hizi?" I was on my way to Nairobi from a field trip last September and was reading The Alchemist (Yes, am a reader) pole pole. The guy next to me wouldn't stop talking about the bananas in Murang'a, the women in Nyeri and the heat in Isiolo. When he got tired of this, he asked to see what I was reading and requested that I open a certain page. "Hii kitabu nimewahi soma. Fungua pg 58 uone msemo iko hapo kali!" LOL. Really? I indulged him. Lo and behold! No msemo! Then this morning, a young lady busy whatsapping while the young man tried vibing her, telling her about the state of the nation, corruption etc. Please talker, take the hint and choose any of the above.
5. The matatu idol
Weh! Weh! Weh! These ones know every song! Chida ya matamchi not withstanding. The funniest thing is when the driver reduces the volume of the radio, the volume of their voice goes down too :D Well, I guess not everyone can afford to sing in karaoke joints or their own homes. Sigh. Even when they have their own head or earphones on. Ad lib maybe?
6. The Mother
If unlike me you don't really care much for kids, then avoid her at all costs. Otherwise you might be required to play nanny, clown, nurse and playmate.
7. The visitor- "Kaa Chonjo"
Admit it. you have been this one. You probably were one today. If you are usually classified as one of the above, on this particular day, you are none! You are frantic. Always craning your neck looking over and outside the window. You wonder if you should ask your seatmate if he/she knows the place, but paranoia gets the best of you and you decide to trust the conductor who ends up forgetting and you miss your stop. Sometimes the conductor shouts the stage name, but most of the time, woe unto you! "Ah mathe si ungesema? Shika hii ashu upande mat ingine." Mind you, fare to your stop might be twice that amount. The only solution to this is to sit right next to the conductor and poke him at every stop, "Ni hapa?"
Oh, I almost forgot this one....
8. The eater
Seriously, are you always hungry or just trying to kill off boredom? These ones can't wait to get to their destination to eat the samosas. Well, maybe they slept hungry, or didn't have breakfast. But now the cocktail that is the spicy samosa aroma, and stuffy mixture of carbon dioxide and oxygen in an enclosed moving box that is the matatu, is not very interesting. Then there are those who come drunk. Please. Watch yourself. The worst thing is sitting next to these guys who drink super cheap toxic stuff (ok, I don't care for the expensive ones too)as they insist on discussing the politics of the day with you.
My recommendation: Eat at or when you get to your destination. Simple. Only non-alcoholic drinks are allowed, to discourage bloating which then leads to ma-sound effects :)
Have you found yourself? Anymore to add? Feel free oh :)
Thanks for reading, and remember, If you chew on raw garlic, don't beat stories. Choose to be idle.
****
At any one time, Public Service Vehicles (PSVs) in Kenya have all manner species of the the Kenyan population. The ring leader of course is the conductor. They always stand out, whether they are being extremely rude, unbelievably polite or pocketing our change. Once in a while, they surprise us with language gems. Take this one I encountered on my way to church. He was quite upset that the driver had let another mini bus overtake theirs, which I must say was quite a mkebe! So naturally, it couldn't keep up with this one christened 'Chrome'. It would be safe then to say that our matatu was 'Windows'. A while later, the driver had to give up the 'chase' and that's when I heard one of the most hilarious sayings as said by the conductor. "....aaaahh, wachana naye! Huwezi shindana na ndovu kukojoa!" What?! But having worked with elephants...I see where he's coming from :D
Anyway, See if you can spot yourself...
1. The napper
I am sure we have all found ourselves here at one point or another. As soon as you pay your fare, you are off to dreamland. This is especially convenient if you are a long distancer, even in Nairobi. Now, there is nothing wrong with sleeping, just a few ground rules to help you and your seatmate and sometimes the whole bus:
-Secure all your belongings. Don't go putting a brother into temptations or leading one to break the 10 commandments na ulikuwa tu umeanika vitu hapo.
-If you didn't brush your teeth before you left the house, or wherever, chew some gum. not the sugary ones. mint. It is just a precaution because my 123 research reveals that 98% of passengers are likely to sleep with mouths agape.
- In the same breath, your stomach must have been cleared prior to boarding the bus/matatu etc. Yeah. Enough said.
-Unless you are travelling with a loved one, seatmates' shoulders are off-limits.
- If you are travelling alone, time your sleep, ama utapitishwa.
2. The idler...ok, the observer
These ones always insist on having the window seat. Try asking them to open it for some fresh air though..."Na si kuna upepo baridi sana? Mi huwa na shida ya kifua" Surely, then let someone else have the seat. Anyway, these ones look outside and blankly into space the whole time. Once in a while they will glance at the contents of the reader's book, paper, or phone and help them read. smh! beware of these ones, their seemingly absent mindedness sometimes makes your valuables do disappearing acts. They can also get scary with all their staring.
2. The reader
These are the model citizens. If its not a newspaper, it's a very thick or thin novel or the smart phone. It doesn't matter, they are always reading. They of course have to deal with the The Idler, but most of the time, random giggles, laughs and sighs give you an idea of what's happening in their own world. Yeah, especially the ones reading FaceBOOK and whatSHARP!
3. The activist
aaaaah! These are just the best, or the worst depending on what side of the scuffle you are at. Once, some guy calmly called the conductor and asked him if the radio station could be changed. The conductor declines and tells him to ask the other passengers. So the guys gets up, on behalf of all those wishing Classic 105 away. Long story short, no one supported him, woiye and no one counteracted his arguments either. So, status quo. I mostly love the activists who zusha when the fare is hiked and actually refuse to pay that amount. They be my heroes.
Half the time though, these ones are usually drunk. Why? Smh. Kenyans are cowards. We would never utter some things and challenge these matatu guys unless we are high on something e.g anger. Who disagrees? No one. Good.
4. The talker
Hehe. Talkers. Quite obvious isn't it? They are the worst neighbours when all you want is a good read, sleep or idling :D "Umeskia Maina leo? aki nyinyi wasichana wa siku hizi?" I was on my way to Nairobi from a field trip last September and was reading The Alchemist (Yes, am a reader) pole pole. The guy next to me wouldn't stop talking about the bananas in Murang'a, the women in Nyeri and the heat in Isiolo. When he got tired of this, he asked to see what I was reading and requested that I open a certain page. "Hii kitabu nimewahi soma. Fungua pg 58 uone msemo iko hapo kali!" LOL. Really? I indulged him. Lo and behold! No msemo! Then this morning, a young lady busy whatsapping while the young man tried vibing her, telling her about the state of the nation, corruption etc. Please talker, take the hint and choose any of the above.
5. The matatu idol
Weh! Weh! Weh! These ones know every song! Chida ya matamchi not withstanding. The funniest thing is when the driver reduces the volume of the radio, the volume of their voice goes down too :D Well, I guess not everyone can afford to sing in karaoke joints or their own homes. Sigh. Even when they have their own head or earphones on. Ad lib maybe?
6. The Mother
If unlike me you don't really care much for kids, then avoid her at all costs. Otherwise you might be required to play nanny, clown, nurse and playmate.
7. The visitor- "Kaa Chonjo"
Admit it. you have been this one. You probably were one today. If you are usually classified as one of the above, on this particular day, you are none! You are frantic. Always craning your neck looking over and outside the window. You wonder if you should ask your seatmate if he/she knows the place, but paranoia gets the best of you and you decide to trust the conductor who ends up forgetting and you miss your stop. Sometimes the conductor shouts the stage name, but most of the time, woe unto you! "Ah mathe si ungesema? Shika hii ashu upande mat ingine." Mind you, fare to your stop might be twice that amount. The only solution to this is to sit right next to the conductor and poke him at every stop, "Ni hapa?"
Oh, I almost forgot this one....
8. The eater
Seriously, are you always hungry or just trying to kill off boredom? These ones can't wait to get to their destination to eat the samosas. Well, maybe they slept hungry, or didn't have breakfast. But now the cocktail that is the spicy samosa aroma, and stuffy mixture of carbon dioxide and oxygen in an enclosed moving box that is the matatu, is not very interesting. Then there are those who come drunk. Please. Watch yourself. The worst thing is sitting next to these guys who drink super cheap toxic stuff (ok, I don't care for the expensive ones too)as they insist on discussing the politics of the day with you.
My recommendation: Eat at or when you get to your destination. Simple. Only non-alcoholic drinks are allowed, to discourage bloating which then leads to ma-sound effects :)
Have you found yourself? Anymore to add? Feel free oh :)
Thanks for reading, and remember, If you chew on raw garlic, don't beat stories. Choose to be idle.
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