Ever wondered what it would feel like to have a scented mask? and other stories

 

Good day beloved human! You good? Great! I am awesome, thanks for asking.

I want to stop writing about matatu and Covid but that's all I see these days when I get into one. If it is not a conductor spraying your whole being, including organs with 'sanitizer,' it is the label on the seat cautioning you against sitting at a certain space. So bear with me, at least this week. Hopefully we shift a lil next week, donge?

Right.

I don't know if I had told you about this neighboring county I had been frequenting of late. Away from the town centre, matatus have been operating normally. Nothing like social distancing...every seat is occupied. Me I went there with my Nairobiness and I was given eyes, not just by the operators but by the passengers too. It's like my voice was too deep or my miniature Bantu knots reminded them of miss Rona. Whatever it is, everyone made it pretty clear that I should shut it and enjoy the ride.

But si Corona ni ya Nairobi tu?

But pray tell, even you how can you enjoy the ride when the matatu has come from towns bordering Tanzania and every few minutes someone lets out a cough and your shoulders are brushing ovyo ovyo? Headache! But I reached the town centre in one piece, or many - we will need an xray to confirm what's happening on the inside.

At least at the town center they grudgingly adhere to the rules imposed by the ministry of transport. On this particular day, I was in the company of someone who had not gone further than the town center since the first Covid case was reported in the country. She was so sceptical of venturing into the sick ward that is Nairobi. It came as a pleasant surprise that people actually sat one one on a seat as opposed to what she had experienced with the connecting matatus. Even the fact that they spray you with this unknown sanitazer impressed her. She still topped up with hers though, just in case.

Enroute, she kept asking questions like,

"How is Nairobi? Are there many people out in the streets? Are they wearing masks?"

How do I reassure her while laying it bare how Nairobi is just Nairobi? People are like ants. They are up in your space like nonsense. There is nothing like 1.5m social distancing on matatu queues. In short, in the paraphrased words of the cabinet secretary of health, we are treating this disease nomaree without a care in the world how abnomaree looks like (my mind is currently struggling how to include my anger about #CovidMillionaires in this story and why Kenyans are mostly desensitized to what the government is telling them about the pandemic).

I checked with her at the end of the day. She survived, albeit slightly dazed. I doubt she is planning to come back to the cirry in the next six months. For real. 

The rest of  my day was spent smart mouthing a conductor who kept telling commuters to give him small small money, "Hauna pesa ndogo?" Me in all my wisdom I asked him why he wants to impose poverty on us. We are rich. We don't carry small small money, but by all means give us back our small change without disturbing our peace. All this while wondering why no one has thought of making scented masks that you can activate desired aroma as need presents itself. The guy behind me was carrying something that smelt like expired or rotten bones. See how the scented mask would have come in handy? I just press for pineapple scent and the world is fixed.

I am happy to see that ladies are still using their big bags to carry a bunch of bananas they just bought at the stage. Why waste money on carrier bag when your handbag can gerrit?

That's all for today, see you next week? Great!

Matatu Methali of the Week: Kumpiga chura teke ni kumuongeza mwendo