PS: I still don't own a car. And yes, I still board matatus. Uber pia once once. I know there have been rumors that I now own a black BMW and gikmakamago. While I want to clarify that this is not true, I would also like to say AMEN! To this thought.
Since it has been a whole while, let me beat for you a story. Dramaa!
If you have lived in Nairobi a day, and you use matatus, you have probably been warned against using your phone in the matatu, donge? I know you have. There are even caution stickers on matatus, "Chunga simu. Jirani yako ni mwizi." Yet everyday, I see people tempting akina Njoroge with their glowing six inch screens. Apparently even kabambes are not safe, but afadhali you can get a five hundred bob kabambe these days.
So this particular Tuesday, nimetoka Bible Study. It is about 10:30pm. Si you know I am still in that reflective introspective mood because roho alishuka?! I enter a No. 6 and scan the bus, as usual. We need a seat with at least 80% leg room compatibility to my long frame. This particular ride looks like it was built to favor the shorter frame - as most of them are anyway. I settle for the seat right next to the door. That will at least allow me to stretch.
It is a while before the matatu is full. Weeknights are slow. Most people are already home. The conductor calls to the driver, "Kaende!" and we hear the resultant chong'iong'ong'io bruuuuuu sound from the ignition key being turned on and the bus begins pulling out. Ghafla bin vu we hear, "Iphone yangu!"
Smh! I know y'all read that in a high pitched soprano. Repent. That is racism of gender. It was actually a man with a proper bass. Now, go and read it again the right way. Good. The bus is already moving and the guy sitting behind the driver stands and watches helplessly as iPhone disappears into the night. He sits down and says defiantly, "Haitamsaidia!" Meanwhile people offer their condolences and for a few minutes a discussion about Nairobi, matatus and phones ensues. A woman behind me is saying she doesn't understand why people have to use their phones in matatus. Wait till you get home!
Kumbe kule front seat, behind the dere, the victim has began feeling the pain. He asks the driver if he had seen or recognized the thief and the driver responds in the negative. The guy insists that the driver must know the thief, because how can someone come to your office to steal and you don't see him? Even better, stop him? He is engaging his neighbor in this logical exploration of truth and comes to the conclusion that the driver must produce the thief.
At this point I am thinking the trauma has began kicking in. Maybe hata ilikuwa iPhone X. What's the latest one? That one. But even you, if you own such a phone, I hope you have insured it. Mine cost 20k and it has life insurance with benefits extending to dependants like charger, phone case and memory cards. Plus, eh. Why are you in a matatu at 10:30pm? If you own such a gadget, unajipea tu curfew ya 7pm roho safi. It is what it is.
Passengers are now telling him that he is being irrational. It's no one's fault. Well, maybe his. Why was his window open? Is he new in Nairobi? Even New Yorkers know - when you come to Nairobi buy a kabambe if you want to use your phone in a matatu.
Things are escalating. A few people are alighting at Guru Nanak Hospital stage. Suddenly, the guy stands up and declares he is going to report the matter at Pangani Police Station and that the crew should get him there. Wololo!
The conductor shuts the door and also declares we are all going to the station. Declarations are being made left, right and centre in this kingdom! Wacha now a sea of voices rise up. People are now shouting, "Wacha ujinga! Tupeleke nyumbani!" Wengine wetu tunaamkia kazi! " "Kwani hiyo simu yako ni oxygen?" Long story short, we find ourselves at the Pangani Police Station gate.
Me I still introspecting. The spirit has not left me. Nimenyamaza kama maji ya mtungi. My neighbor must be the meek type. He is just clutching his shopping tightly. I suspect his dinner is in there. Samosa, fries.
We are now at the gate. The victim alights and the driver and conductor follow. Wait, did I say he alighted? No. He approached the door and pushed the conductor out. Wawuuu. Dramatic much?! Things have now escalated a hundred per cent. Everyone wants to talk and be listened to. Tempers are flaring. People are being abusive. A cop enters and every one is like "Afande! Afande, huyu mtu ameibiwa simu town, why are we here?" Anafaa akubali hii ni ajali."
After lots of back and forth, the cop orders that we are taken home. There is however one problem, the driver has also decided to file harassment charges against the iPhone baba. So there is no one to drive us home, not until he is done recording a statement. Again, no one is breathing. Kelele! Finally, the conductor takes the reigns. In my head, Carrie Underwood's number, 'Jesus take the Wheel' is playing.
I don't know if it is the tension or pressure but for a while there, it looks like the conductor is in a driving school class. People are still shouting, "wewe endesha vizuri!" "Piga Kona hapa." Eh. At this point I find my voice and tell everyone to shut up! Their rants are not helping the situation one bit. If anything their exasperation is creating more problems.
The bus goes quiet except for one mama who looks like she is high on some cheap stuff. She is getting off at the next stop but she wants to keep shouting in Coastarean Kiswahili. You know how annoying that sounds? I face her. "Madam shuka utuondokee na hiyo kelele yako. Hata sisi twataka kufika salama."
Now she wants to argue She stands up and I chuckle as the thought of my six foot self over the five incher crosses my mind. Lol. Ninaweza maliza mtu, only the Holy Spirit has enabled me to practice self control in such times. Plus, who wants to go back to Pangani for assault?
I get off at the next stage and wish the others going to Eastleigh journey mercies. Wueh. Worra night!
But seriously Mkenya mwenzangu. How are you doing? Mentally? Are you always at the elastic limit waiting for provocation that will have you breaking? Let me tell you what I saw in that matatu was not healthy at all. If someone was carrying a gun or knife, there would have been injuries my fren.
So right now, breath innnnnn....
Breath outttttttt...
Again...
Repeat every often, with an awareness of your present state of mind. That release will help, somewhat, as we think about how to deal with Nairobbery.
Have a stress free day, will you?
See you soon (promise)!
😹😹 that trip was fun tho
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