I am just going to slide up in here like I haven't been gone for two years 😭✌️How are you? Enjoy my come back post!
🚌🚌🚌🚌🚌
People in this Nairobi are extremely tired. The woman seated next to me fell into the deepest sleep known to man before we even left the stage. I know this not because I live in her head, but because her head has found a resting place on my left shoulder. I try to shrug it off, where? She's gone. So I just let her have it. I would want a brother with big shoulders to do the same for me when the need arises. This lady has found a sister with big shoulders. Isorait. 🎵 Lean on meeeee🎤
A guy enters the matatu...
"Thank you very much na poleni Sana kuwasumbua."
Mr. Man is getting ready for a sales pitch. I don't know what he is selling yet but going by his gratitude and apology all delivered in one breath, I think it's going to be something controversial like dawa ya mende, panya, kunguni. I mean who has those in their house? We are clean people my friend. Maybe you sell us air freshener like that chap on the Citi Hoppa the other day. That guy did his whole sales pitch and mentioned the scents available; bubblegum, strawberry, mango and one other. I forget. A woman picks one, sniffs it severally then gives it back to him declaring,
"Mi napenda Vanilla." 😂😂
To which the guy responds,
"Unajua madam vanilla imepotea kwa market kabisa."
"Kwa nini?"
"Container huwa inazileta ni kama zimekuwa delayed. So zimekosa kabisa. Si ujaribu hii pia huwa poa?"
She wants vanilla and that's that (but we know you Kenyans. You always want what is not on the menu. We be like, "Aaaaah hauna purple tea?" Na saa hiyo ni kibandaski).
Back to present day. You already know that our guy is kind. He is also handsome, a black beauty with a diastema. Wueh. This must be a strategy to sell his controversial goods. Hit em with your good looks and perfect Kiswahili.
Ehe?
Apology and gratitude given in advance, guy fishes out a knife sharpener. You know the stone that sharpens knives? That one. Us we called it 'kidi' growing up. I don't know what you guys call(ed) it. Do share. So this guy has this kidi in his hand. He goes on to explain that it has two sides, the rough and smooth. Ah. So it is kidi he is selling? Ni Sawa. Ghafla bin vu, he produces a knife like like like...(well insert movie star's name - the one who produces knives in fights. Kachaaa!) Nairobians are just looking at him, almost zombified. Yaani someone has produced a knife and y'all chill?! Why am I the only one looking for an exit?
Anyway. He goes on to demonstrate how to sharpen the knife - the rough side first then finish off with two gentle swipes on the smooth side. I don't care what you say, no one has a right to be that adept with knives. He's almost too comfortable. Aiii. Even chefs should chill a little. Oh, the kidi has a luminous green handle with a hole at the end for hanging neatly in your kitchen. Wawuuu. Lakini saying the truth, kwani people stopped sharpening knives on stone walls and abandoned concrete slabs from previous construction works? You are buying kidi? Kidi is stone in dholuo, just in case you missed it.
Haya. Si he has finished demonstrating...
"Kwa supermarket inauzwa shilingi Mia moja sabini na tatu lakini kampuni leo iko na offer. Unainunua kwa Mia moja tu. Na ukininua unapewa kisu na zote zinawekwa kwa briefcase. Sasa mboga na matunda itafanana na iliyokatwa na mashini. Kwa shilingi Mia moja tu, kisu na sharpener yake."
He hasn't even finished his pitch and hands are already going up. People heard free knives and said yes to the altar call. The once zombified collective is now awake awake. Yaani mngekuwa chap chap na mambo ya injili ya Yesu hivi si tungekuwa mbali? Heee! Guy starts distributing the package. If you like it you buy it and he puts for you in a briefcase, remember? Briefcase = Brown paper bag.
Surely. Mko serious? Me I am not comfortable traveling in a bus with dozens of people carrying knives. People who are only too pleased at the thought of sharpening knives. You are you? I must get off. Now!
But can I?
Now this 563 seater before I get to the front...otek. Engine revs and the bus leaves the parking. I feel the weight on my shoulder. Sigh. It's going to be a long ride home.
<Yeah. No wonder the apology. I'll take it>
<Now see the legroom I am working with...>
#MatatuChronicles
#HamnaVisuNyumbani?
#LivingInNairobi NeedsAManual
#RohoIweNgumuKamaKDF
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