The People in my matatu

Nothing kills the boredom of sitting in traffic than a data enabled phone with twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Kindle...name it. Really? Imagine all the things you would actually SEE when you put down your phone and look around you. 

Reblogged from Clarity Central

I noticed the conductor’s black nail
His uncombed hair

His brown teeth and
His humongous belt buckle

I could smell  the diesel whenever the matatu accelerated

I could pick out the aroma of chicken and fries
Someone had carried some take out

I saw her fidgeting
Glancing at her phone every 5 minutes
Sometimes biting her lower lip whenever she glanced out the window

I could hear his techno music sipping through his earphones

I could hear a mother instructing the help to check her child’s diaper

I could hear the joyfully banter of the two colleges seated  in  the back

I saw the old man’s eyes flutter
He never seemed to stop yawning
I saw him adjust himself on the seat
Saw his eyelids slowly rest and his breathing slightly steadying.
Saw his head sway to the side as he napped

I saw the matatu speakers vibrating
Saw how dusty the carriage shelf was
I noticed how rusty the door hinges were starting to get.

I saw her squint and rub her eyes
I saw him motion to her to close the window
Saw her shake her head
I saw him clenching his fist and looking away

I smiled.

So this is what I miss when I’m fixated on my phone.

THE BOY WHO WANTS TO BE A MATATU DRIVER

I was watching The Churchill Show (arguably Kenya's top comedy TV show) the other day when the kids segment came up. They were featuring a 7-year old golf champion who will soon represent Kenya in Europe. Her interview was preceded by 'word on the street' where other kids were asked what they wanted to be when they grow up. One of them said confidently,

"Nataka kuwa dere wa Umoinner!" The audience burst into fits of laughter as the host jokingly said, "It matters where you bring up your kids."
Translation: I want to be a matatu driver. This kid was very specific about the bus he wants to drive too- Umoinner.

I laughed too. How can someone desire to be a matatu driver? 

 About a year ago, I sat in the front cabin with driver of a CBD bound matatu. It was raining inside the matatu, you know, the roof leaking and all. The matatu had no radio, my battery was dead, so we started chatting.

"It's hard being a matatu driver or working in this industry in any capacity. If it's not the City Council baying for your blood, its the rude air headed passengers who think they are better than us. Then there is the Traffic police who have collection points every five minutes drive." He said.

He (lets call him John) is a trained engineer. He actually worked in the industry a while before moving to the transport industry. "The pay was poor...not even enough to replace what I'd used to study engineering. I had to choose between having a 'respectable' job while struggling to make ends meet and leaving to find something that would respect my skills." He got initiated into matatus by his aunt and three months on as a driver, he realized what a jackpot mataus were if managed well. He went on to buy his own 14 seater but decided to sell it six months later citing losses. He still wanted to be in this industry so he sought a job with one of the leading bus companies where he works to date.

"Sure, this is not where I thought I would be growing up. The shifts are crazy! If you have a nagging wife, please, this one is not for you."

"So why do you stay?" I asked.

"Well, if someone would pay me my worth in what I trained for, maybe I would; but you know what? Despite all these challenges, I do enjoy my job. Its quite something maintain my level of uprightness in an industry that reeks insults and corruption...and I promise you there are more like me. We are educated and try every single day to make ends meet. Oh, na doe si mbaya saana! So don't be looking at someone and judging them just because they are behind the wheel of a matatu. I helped you get home today, didn't I?"

I wish I'd asked him what he thought of the kid who wanted to be a matatu driver. I wonder how he would have advised him. I remember the kid saying that he admires the way the drivers drive those buses and make sure everyone gets home safely.

Now, should we encourage this kid to dream bigger? Should we tell him that he can do better than be a matatu driver? Should we tell him that being a matatu driver should just be a back up plan? OR should we tell him that whatever HE chooses to be, let him do it the best way he can, with integrity? If you were to share some career advice with him, what would you say? Maybe he'll grow up and change his mind, eh?

Who are these jobs reserved for anyway?

Why I am not buying a car...now

Let me tell you a story! A story of how I had worn a mini skirt and a sleeveless sweater, then the weather changed from very sunny to...sigh...you know, cold and gloomy. At 5pm, the clouds were hanging low. My colleague has a car, so she kindly offered me a lift till Westlands so I could rush home before it pours. Long story short, by the time I was getting out of her car, I had wished for a car of my own about 30 times...and that thought lasted the rest of the night.

But today as I was headed to work, I realized that I don't want that car yet. Strange, I know. Here's why:

1. Plug Sleep Deficit

If you are like me, then, you'll understand this. Whether I sleep early or late, I never get enough sleep. I could take sleep as a punishment! Kwanza that saying ati "Early to bed, early to rise" doesn't work for me. If it were not for the 1 hour matatu rides, I'd probably be sleeping on the job, but alas! As soon as I pay the conductor, I head to slumberland...of course clutching my handbag very tightly.
I met a friend recently and (he paid my fare...lol!) he told me his son had just turned one. He narrated how for this one year, sleep had been a luxury. He and his wife took turns and even those were not enough. Guess what filled up that deficit? Matatus!

2. Your prince/princess charming may be waiting

I remember watching the wedding show some time back and listening to this couple giving the tale of their meeting. It was 6pm, in a matatu going home. The guy had been sitting one seat in-front of the lady. Suddenly, a car appeared and the driver had to brake. This threw everyone forward, others clutching at the seats to steady themselves. As the guy was settling back, he saw the most beautiful fingers he had ever seen (lol) and decided he must speak to the owner, and the rest was history. See? Ya'll single ladies and dudes....you never know! Plus matatus usually have some real eye candy...just for looking, even if you have your prince charming and his horse locked up in your barn ;)

3. Just have a look outside

When driving yourself, you have to FOCUS! Eye on the road. You hardly ever notice the beautiful scenery and when you try to, the drivers behind you honk like there's no tomorrow and startle you back to reality. There is no for daydreaming! You don't notice all the sweet dettol kids billboard ads that bring a smile to my face every time or the many deodorant ads along Langata road-what's up with that?
Many use a particular road everyday and fail to see the most beautiful or horrible things. Like how Langata cemetery is fast filling up and that soon we might have to cremate our loved ones. Granted, you may be chauffeured when you get that car, but by then you'll be feeling so important that your windows will be tinted and closed and you will be replying to your mail and all the other important stuff important people do on their ipads.

4. You get to sit back left and be chauffeured

This is pretty simple. Your dreams are valid...but until they are a reality, how about you pay someone 50 bob or less or slightly more to chauffeur and open the door for you? Ah ah! Who doesn't want that? Of course you have to get used to the car rushing off before you sit down or before you get off completely...but thats a small price to pay...yes? Yes. Now you can sit back and do number 1-3.

5. When is the last time you read a book?

Today. I read it on my way to work. In a matatu. I friend tells me she can't remember the last time she read a book, in hardcover or on kindle because, ni kuendesha nitaendesha gari ama ni kusoma nitasoma...and she's sad about it, because she was once an avid reader. Well, she tried to read before bed but she was so tired from driving and staying in traffic. Besides, she's married now. There are other things people do in bed and before sleeping...I hear.
If you still have that chance, ignite your reading or start. Its not too late.

PS: FaceBOOK doesn't count. Thanks.

6. Can you afford it?

Weh! I think this is self explanatory. Fuel, set covers, tyres, pimped rims and that service here and there. Ah ah! You know the way they say in Kiswahili "Kuzaa si kazi, kulea ndio kazi"? I think this applies to buying a car as well. Kulea hiyo gari inaweza kuwa tricky!! So have a real think about it.

7. If you are married, ladies, you might be in trouble that your man knows his car more than he does you :D

7. You get to have a blog called "My Matatu Chronicles"

Well, this one's already taken. I don't want no competition. Okay I'm kidding. I actually enjoy this. I don't know why. I was having a think on why I do it but as one friend puts it, "ni talanta...si gift."I just see things differently in matatus. Some I keep to myself, others I share here. Aren't you glad though? haha!


I know having a personal car can be real convenient, but it can be a real pain too! So before you buy that car, I suggest you buy a house :)  OR Buy a matatu, hire a driver and conductor and take a ride in it everyday.

I need to run and watch camels race. I'll tell you about it sometime...but for now, can you think of anything else to add to this list?

6 things to learn from a tout in Kenya

Touts can be a real pain. Some have frustrated me more than I care to talk about, but here's the sunny side; there are lessons, positive ones we can learn from them...


1. Optimism/ Seeing the bigger picture

Have you ever gone to a matatu terminus looking to get to your destination as fast as possible? You look around at the busses to see which one is almost full and board it. Sometimes though, you have to rely on the conductor's word. Ever noticed how the bus or mat always needs only one to four people to get full? "Wanne Karen, wanne siste! Gari ya haraka!"You get in, flag down the disappointment of seeing an almost empty vehicle and just sit down when the other passengers give you that face..."Woiye we've been waiting like forever...kaa tu ijae" Shock on you when the 'hired passengers' alight when the bus is almost full! Sigh!

Lesson: Maybe they are just a plain lying lot, lol! But these touts always see the bigger picture even if the situation seems hopeless. As they say, "Haba na haba hujaza kibaba" You will soon jaza gari and be on your way :)

2. #FinanceThings

 Hehe, I'm sure these guys handle a whole load of money everyday. At the end of the day, they need to have fuelled the vehicle, remitted the owner his share and finally pay the driver and of course himself. To achieve these targets, he must charge the correct fare (leave those thieving ones who charge double on seeing a drop of rain), complete the squads required and keep his pockets under lock and key. Hakuna gari ya 10 bob by the way...and they accept nothing less than what is 'theirs'. Best bet you'll be thrown out. Some of these altercations have of course ended tragically and should never be encouraged.

Lesson: Same way touts don't accept 10 sweets in exchange for money. Don't accept it at the supermarket! know your rights! Oh, and be a good manager of your finances.

3. Persistence

What? The number of words these lads say per minute multiplied by the almost 24 hours they work, is impressive! And all this just to convince you to get into their vehicle. They need to earn that wage at the end of the day after all. All you'll need to succeed in this job is super strong vocal cords, bottles of water and a hand made of steel...to hit that side of the bus seriously.

Lesson: No, the lesson here is not to keep shouting. Wait, actually it is! Metaphorically, that is. Whatever your line of work, it definitely needs proper attention. Furnish yourself with whatever tools you need to succeed (super strong vocal cords, bottles of water and a hand made of steel), and then work. Work very hard! Work smart. It won't be long before you see the results.

4. Know the route

Ever met a tout who doesn't know the different stops by name? No. OK, unless its a newbie. But newbies are always accompanied by an oldie/veteran. When going somewhere new, you always ask the conductor if they'll pass this route and if the bus stops at a certain place. They know where they are going. In case of a traffic jam or any other inconvenience, you always hear the tout telling the driver to change the route. Eh, but these tu panya routes are almost always very bumpy you might end up with a broken back or a sore head from hitting the roof every time there is contact with a pothole!

Lesson: Be clear about your life goals and which stops you'll probably make along the way. Sometimes, things happen and you have to take detour. Have a back up plan somewhere. You'll need it. Oh, and as a bonus, si you just mentor someone bila chuki? It adds to your knowledge and grasp of work.

5. Know and have a good working relationship with your colleagues.

The driver and conductor gel like....I don't know. What do people jell like? In short, they get along, and even when they don't, it never gets in the way of work-at least not that I have seen. Ma domez baadaye! 

Lesson: Try and get along with your colleagues, you spend half of your day with them anyway. Never let #workbeefs get in the way of your productivity.

6. Fitness is Key

I'm sure you are wondering what this is all about. Have you ever encountered a fat  oversize tout? Here's why they need to be fit:

a) That superman thing they do when they run on the tarmac and then 'fly' while holding onto that bar at the door. SMH!
b) Most of the matatu aisles are not very wide...leaving very little room to maneuver while collecting bus fare. I'll just stop here with this one.
c) #Kanjothings. Your feet will heal you (mguu niponye). 
d) Them times when you have had to share the 14th seat with him/her because you are running late. A fat  one would push you until you sit on air.
...and many others.

Lesson: Take care of yourself. Usijiachilie. Fullstop.

TO BE CONTINUED...

A panga, a taxi driver and I.

"Kwani matatu chronicles iliendaga wapi?" A friend recently inquired. Well, its still here. The blogger is the one who had gone missing...but I am back. No fret!

I have been so busy chasing elephants, exploits you can read about here, that there is hardly any time left to write. So one day, while I was taking a break from the dusty plains of Samburu, in Nairobi, I boarded...no, took a taxi home. Upgrade nayo? Lol! I was feeling so rich and philanthropic, I offered to give two colleagues a lift. Also good for security, just incase this guy tried something.

About an hour later, we are approaching the Uhuru Highway roundabout when the driver asks,

"Mnadropiwa wapi?"
"Si Ngara?!?" I reply
"Aiii mimi sifiki ngara. Sikuambiwa Ngara mimi. Ngara siingi na hiyo jam ya globe"

See, when I called for a taxi, our office taxi guy had been busy so he sent one of his associates. I thought he had given him all the info regarding drop off and cost so I just got into the car and we had had a smooth drive till now.

"Wee mimi niko na mali ya kampuni hapa. Siwezi shukia njiani. Ndio maana nilipanda taxi. Wacha nipigie Njau" I told him.

I handed him the phone when Njau asked to speak to him.

"Huwa siongei na simu nikiendesha gari" He retorted. Never mind he'd received a couple of calls during this trip. Anyway, long story short, he finally agreed to take me to Ngara. My colleagues had long taken advantage of the jam and alighted. So its just me and him.

To lighten the already tense mood (what was I thinking?) we started talking, quite casually, about people who steal from other's sweat. He told me of times when he was a tailor and someone stole his blinders in town. It was quite a funny story, until he made this comment..."huyo ningempata ningemkatakata mbaya!" All of a sudden, I notice he's from Central Kenya...Meru County going by the accent. I also notice his very black lips and red eyes. Oi! Then he continues, "hata hapa niko na panga. Huwa sikosi panga hapa chini ya kiti na kafimbo huko kwa boot."

Wololo! Is he sending me a coded message? I wondered. He went ahead to give tales of how he had perpendicularly dealt with police officers and Kanju guys who had sought to either rip him off or arrest him for being or not being on the wrong. Like this one of the traffic officer who had got into his car and instructed him to drive to Central Police Station for jumping the traffic lights and evading arrest when the officer flagged him down. He took a detour and took the officer to Kangemi(From the UoN roundabout) and flashing the panga, told him to get out. "Huyo hata ningempeleka base, tungemkatakata tukiwa na wasee wengine wa taxi. Nilimsamehea tu."Not to mention the Kanju ladies he also took to Kangemi and had them handover all the money they had collected that day, of course while waving the famed panga. The cutting obsession quite evident here.

"This man's a psycho!" and the traffic wasn't helping much.  Needless to say, the relief I felt when we took that Sarakasi turn! Priceless. I even tipped him for the scary trip, just incase he decided to lock the doors and add my tale to the ones he'd tell his next client(s).

I dont know if these stories were just fabrications or real(I didn't get to see the panga-thank God!) but I wouldn't take my chances with this man again. I think I'll stick to matatus, unless otherwise.

ION, I can't wait for the finest stop motion film Relief, by Mizani Pictures. Themed around stories like the one I've given above, what ails Nairobi. Read more here www.mizanipictures.wordpress.com

Remember, Mkia wa ng'ombe hauzeeki. Don't ask me what it means, it was a sticker on a matatu :D

Till next time...

Awakening the ghost town with a BANG!!

Whoa! Matatu Chronicles has been a a ghost town! No, I haven't bought a car...yet. I have just been getting a lot of lifts- from people I know- I will have you know I don't accept lifts from strangers, maybe if they look like Tyrese. Actually, even if it were Tyrese himself, I wouldn't!! The hot ones are most often the kidnappers....lol!

Anyway, while these streets were cold and silent, others were blowing up-literally. The month of May showed up, sadly, with a bang! Two twin bombings in Mombasa and Nairobi, all happening in a span of 24 hours. Let me take you a day back . Saturday, 3rd May 2014, found me on the road travelling to Nairobi from Isiolo. I think that was the most uncomfortable journey I have had to bear in a long time. The driver was chewing hard on his bunch of Miraa (khat) while driving like he had an appointment with death and wanted to bring visitors with him. The driving, mark you, was the secondary activity here, not the miraa chewing. Sure enough, we ran over a goat in Nanyuki. Don't ask if we stopped to give the poor mammal CPR. Next to him in the front cabin, were two Somali looking individuals- a lady and a young man, probably in his teens. The rest of the occupants including me, were what we would immediately say, Kenyans.

Miles away from Isiolo, we are stopped at a road block. One of the cops, holding a G3 immediately inspects the car to check for overload, I suppose. He then goes to the driver's side and asks for his driving licence. Lo and behold! The license expired sometime mid 2013! and the burger was driving like that? Surely! He was told to step out of the car and they, another cop had come to join the party, walked to the back of the matatu. "Najua ni hongo wanaenda kuitisha sasa..." I 'whispered' to my colleague who was half asleep nursing a serious hangover. As soon as I said that, it dawned on me that from my now strategic back seat position coupled with the fact that I cant whisper to save my life, chances were high that I could be heard so I stole a quick glance at the trio and then stared straight ahead. Immediately, one of the cops came back. Wololo! They heard me! I breathed a sigh of relief when he walked to the front seat. It was not me they were coming for!

"Habari mama? Mmetoka wapi?"
...response
"Mnaenda wapi?"
...response
"Kijana ako na miaka ngapi?"
...response.

By now, we were all looking, keenly listening and maybe thinking, "Should we have asked them that before they boarded the car?" Lame. I know! I guess the cop noticed and turned to the rest of us.

"Habari zenu?"
  Silence
"Hebu kila mtu atoe national ID haraka haraka. Kitambulisho!"

He starts checking calling out names from the different IDs issued. My turn.

"Yangu iko huko nyuma...kwa boot"
"Shuka utoe"

Now, this matatu we had boarded is supposed to be a shuttle. Normally, a shuttle has enough space for a size 16 mama like me to alight without having to cause too much disturbance, maybe accidents. But no, not this one. The owners of this one had decided that space is overrated. Weh! I finally found my way out and handed them the ID.

"Haya. Sasa kaa nayo kwa mfuko incase uitishwe huko mbele."

I really don't know what went on with the driver and the cops after that. Maybe he was let off with a warning. Maybe he bribed them. I don't know. All I know is in a few minutes we were on the road again, the driver keen on regaining lost time, if you know what I mean. I put my whispering skills to test again and told my colleague.

"Hao watu ndio walifanya tusimamishwe na tuitishwe ID. Matatu nyingi sana zilipita lakini hazikusimamishwa."

Colleague: Kuprofile watu nayo? (Why are you profiling people?)
Me: Not me. The cops.

All in all we got to Nairobi safe. Thank God! I get home relieved just to see "BREAKING NEWS" on the Mombasa blasts; then the Thika road blasts on Sunday, 5:30pm. Devastation. Have we, "Kenyans" become such easy targets? Whose fault is it? Has the president and his government failed us? Hashtags cropped up on social media,  #someonetelluhurukenyatta  #EndGameSomalia, #ThikaRoadBlast  #NationalSecurityKE all attempting to spur the leadership to some sort of action. Sunday night, on a check up call, a close friend admits that she wouldn't get into a matatu with a Somali. I laugh and tell her to stop being paranoid, and that it would be unfair to pin down every Somali or Somali looking individual and call them terrorists. Deep down though, I knew I have thought about it a couple of times too. Looked at them differently, especially when a blast is still fresh.

So this morning, on my way to work a young man, seemingly tired gets into the bus and sits next to me. Despite the fact that it had been raining furiously in the morning, the chap didn't have a sweater on. The bus filled up and moved onto Lang'ata road. The lad receives a call and speaking in Dholuo, tells the person the other end of the line that he's from hospital and was heading to work. A second call comes in minutes later, and only then do I get to know why he was in hospital. Until then, I had assumed that he was the sick one. He explained to the caller that the metals from the bomb had lodged into 'his' skin and he could not walk. He had spent the night in the hospital looking after him and the doctors had said that he would be discharged tomorrow. He added that he would go straight to the hospital from work in the evening. I felt my eyes well up. His voice sounded tired, resigned, but still willing to put up a brave face for a loved one.

It really dawned on me then and sank deeply that it could happen to anyone of us, a family member, a friend, and even though I knew nothing about this man seated next me, I could feel his pain. A pain that one way or the other becomes every single Kenyan's pain. Lets stop racial profiling, it only encourages the terrorists to carry more attacks on this divided society.

 #PRAYFORKENYA  #PRAYFOROURLEADERS 
 #PRAYFORTHEPERPERTRATORS 

Can I escort you?

Then matatus striked. smh! Hawa watu ni mahungry! They can't even sustain a two day strike to show they are serious. They just need tips from teachers and our nurses. Wait, did I say two day?? Hardly. They were back in business on the evening of the first day of the alleged 'strike'. One problem though. How is it that on the very next day they are busy raising fares as if we are the ones who had forced them out of work? So this Eastleigh mini bus stops at the stage and the makanga spits into the air "50 bob tao!" The heck?! Mahali si hulipa ashu ama mbao! I told him off and he said. "Madam vile wee smart unabargain?"LOL! Will I eat the smartness? Anyway, after three more came with the same stupidity, I ended up walking to town ;) 15minutes tu! Quite hilarious all these women who walk like ducks in heels. Ya'll didn't see Robert Alai's post warning of a potential strike last night? Ha!

Matatus blocking Thika road in the AM    Image: Facebook

By the way, that aside, Nairobi weather is weird! One minute we(my girlfriends and I) are laughing our way to the terminals, the skies seemingly clear- ok maybe we didn't look up- but you know the way Nairobians start running everywhere as soon as someone hints that its gonna fall? Well there was none of that! We said our goodbyes and went our ways. No sooner had I sat down, than the conductor said "He! Na kunakaa kudrizzle aje?" I was busy wallowing in the miasma of the conductor knowing the word 'drizzle'- come on, don't make that face, some of them don't look like they might know- that I didn't quite get that it was really gonna rain. A few minutes later it was pouring like nonsense!

I kept hoping that by the time we got to our stage, posta, the rain would have relaxed kidogo so I could run the 500metres to our flats. Nothing! Infact its as if the skies were waiting for me to get off so that it pours in earnest! You should have seen the Eastleigh bound passengers looking at me as if they'll never get off! Oh, I forgot to say I was freezing and shinning…well, si sana! but I had on a grey mini skirt, a black peplum top and black doll shoes. oh, and that emergency scarf every lady has in their gunny bags-handbags-fornication bags-choose one. No umbrella.

Sigh! My nicely done afro! I had forgotten about it! It didn't look like it was going to stop soon, so I pulled my pink scarf over my head and started running, hopping and skipping over and into puddles of water that smelt as bad as they looked. Then it happened. I heard footsteps! Yes, they were louder than the rain! I had stopped running and had maintained a relatively quick step. I looked back, clutched my handbag tighter and started walking-running. No use. The guy caught up with me and said "hi." Really? you are greeting people in the rain?psycho! I ignored him. "You look really nice, you know that?" He continued! At least his English was good. But no. Criminal minds and people are more educated that ever! "Where are you going?" he quipped. In my mind, "where do you think?" In reality, "Si naenda kwangu?" I replied getting real irritated.

Surely, this guy saw me running in the rain, without an umbrella, and all he could think of was throwing darts? Afadhali hata angekuwa na mwavuli! I would have listened. There were more important things that had to be taken care off now. He continued "Can I give you a push?" Lol! Who still says that? I smiled discreetly.

"Ati?"
"It was just a humble request, can I escort you?"
Escort tena? that just sounds wrong. "No, I am okay. Nishafika hata"
"But you are still moving?"
Lord give me patience! How does one not know that the only time you hit on a lady-or man :D while its raining, actually the two times, is when;
1) You have an umbrella. Gives you an excuse to 'give her/him a push'.
2) You are both sheltering from the rain on one of those busy Nairobi streets where willingly or unwillingly, people share warmth in those cold times. Sometimes we will also share our phones, money and other valuables too.
"Okay, thanks so much for offering but am fine. Much appreciated."

He finally got the point and said goodnight. I didn't look back to see where he disappeared to. If we lived in a crime free world, I imagine that maybe he would have been bold and swept me off my feet, literally, and asked me "Which direction? A beautiful damsel like you shouldn't be rained on" Then he would run with my 80kgs self in his arms and gently put me down once we get to the gate. Like the perfect gentleman, I think, he would not insist on coming in for a drink and would disappear into the night leaving me with all the awwwws and aaaaahs. 

*SLAP*

Back to reality. Ladies, how would you have reacted? Men? Do share below!

Meanwhile, my seat mate had this :) Nadhani alikuwa anatoka western ….

Enjoy your weekend!