Guest Blog: ALL IN 24 HOURS- PART 1

Sometimes my Matatu Chronicles are non-existent and the blog goes silent. Then come guest bloggers such as Esther Neema who help me save face. She sent me this piece, which I have decided will be in two parts. Too hilarious! Wait till you read Part 2 tomorrow. 

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A friend of mine asked me to write my matatu chronicle and I wondered how would write this article without sounding bitter and troubled with life. However I still said, why not. After all, I have been reading, with pleasure her eventful chronicles.

I have had the most dramatic ones too though never imagined it possible that I could ever again experience any worse than route 48 where your feet get to experience an unwanted breeze from ground. Actually a ride in them could comprise your feet dangling outside the vehicle since the floor is sometimes broken, or is it torn. Anyway I am trying to mean there is a hole where your feet are supposed to be placed. So you must believe me when I say I never thought I could experience any worse.

I have moved cities, now living in Mombasa. I have been here for only a week (at the time of writing this). The first day I rode to town, I could have sworn for a minute I thought I was in Nairobi until I was asked for fare. Aki I promise I have never paid my 200 shillings to go to any destination, not even to Rongai. The most I have paid is probably 80 and I fumed the whole way, thinking about injustices in the world.

I was shocked though, no one caused Drama. You know I am used to my gangster route 46 where WE, the passengers, decide. WE just wait for one passenger to say “Ai,si fare inakuanga fifty hatuwezi lipa seventy, we fare ni mbao” and the rest of the bus we would echo those words. It is called people power. And somehow we manage to piss off the the kange as much as he had pissed us off. “Kama hamtalipa mshuke'.. only you cannot chase a whole matatu when we are in traffic and already half way in to our destination. So we would pay the team fare, the one that we the common wanacnhi had unanimously agreed..

Illustration by Steve Mchoraji

Now the 200 bob affair had nothing on this day I am about to tell you. Which I promise I thought we had been hijacked.

My mum and I left for Mombasa from Kilifi at about 10.00 am, in the hope that at least by 11.30 am we should have reached. Oi! That didn't happen. It took quite a while before the matatu filled up. Then we left. However, on our way we met more passengers who got in to an already full matatu with the hope to sit on us. Now you know when you have paid 200 shillings, my friend, the last thing you want is someone sitting on you, but we kept quiet and moved just abit for them to sit, WITHOUT COMPLAINING.

I was not that surprised when in the next stop the matatu picked more people to get in; after all I was born in the PRE- MICHUKI era where bus rides were the most uncomfortable rides ever. As in you could feel peoples privates. Now all you feel is shoulders, thank heavens. But still, really there was nowhere else anyone extra could sit in this matatu for sure, so they had to stand.

Now here people made noise “watakaa wapi hao, huku basi hakuna nafasi” Directed to the conducor and then indirectly to the passengers, ladies, “Na sasa we mwenyewe ukiingia matatu ambayo imejaa hivi huwa umefikiria vipi..” ha ha ha, I would hate to be the one who has gotten it to such. But with the ladies, got in one know it all male who was much more proud of his actions and said “Kama una shida bwana unune yako, hii ni gari ya abiria bana.

AND THAT IS WHERE THE TROUBLE BEGUN.

To be continued...

Why are your elbows poking at my sides?

She entered the matatu and dumped herself next to me. She sat with so much force that for a minute I felt the bus shake. Her friend sat on the opposite seat and they started chatting animatedly in 'Kiworia'. Her powerful perfume made my tummy replay the hunger sound effects, only, I wasn't hungry. Bloated.The guy at the back could hear them.

Her elbows were poking at my sides. Her head was almost lost in her biggunny handbag. Then she found it! Eureka! Chewing gum. She took two and gave her friend the other two. It seems she was from a nyama choma joint, because there was an omnipresent toothpick now being chewed along with the gum. Occasionally, she would spit mildly into the air, I guess to rid her mouth of the toothpick splinters and maybe the remaining pieces of meat.

I got off at my stop. Who cares about matatu etiquette anyway? Well I do.

1.  Take out your fare before you sit down

Ladies and gentlemen, please have your fare at hand before you get into the matatu if:
a) You are a man who will dig into his pockets looking for fare, in the process, 'touching' your seatmates thighs ovyo ovyo. Very uncomfortable.
b)  You are a woman who carries our big handy bags, which you have to dig through to find stuff. No one appreciates painful pokes to the sides and face.
Don't make me hurt you too.

2. No take away fries!! 

If you are carrying fries with you, open the window and hang them out in the air until you get to your destination. Evening rush hour has people spraying themselves with perfume/cologne before they leave the office. You know, you have to come out as fresh as you walked in, in the AM. Ubaya ni hujaoga. Then, there are those who don't bother spraying, so of course they sweat the whole day. Deal with it. The wind wronged us somehow, because opening a window in a matatu attracts nasty looks and unsolicited armpits on your face trying to shut the window for you. Look, it gets stuffy enough with the different perfumes. Yawa...eat the damn fries at Kenchic.

3. Buy ear/headphones

By all means, a matatu is public place/space. On one hand, one must contend with the fact that the seat will never be leather, or at least as clean, as you like them; or that the driver, and the matatu crew reserve the right (mostly) to choose whatever music you listen to.  Then again, that does not mean that when the air is dead, your neighbour takes it upon himself to unleash his music collection on the whole bus. Surely, who asked you? Uluhya tu :D

4. Lanes...

"Hatusemi wewe ni mnono, lakini ukikalia viti mbili, lipia." Loosely translated, "We ain't calling you fat, but if you occupy two seats, pay for them." Story for another day.

Now, unless you use matatus where there is always space for one more person (I will not mention names) one seat is ideally meant for one person. There are these guys who sit like they are in their own chauffeured Merc, feet splayed out to the other passenger's space...who of course does not have feet. Yeah. Of course. Lanes!! Oh, and while we are here get your feet off the aisle, someone might trip over them.

5. Mobile phones

Two words. You are not talking to the whole bus. Ok, those were more than two :D As much as we all 'love' Ghafla and all the juicy stories they feed us, we rarely want to listen to your stories live live. Some of us might pick them and blog about them. Others just want to sleep and drool all over their neighbours shoulders and the rest would like to ...I don't know...what do you like to do?

6. Excuse me....is not overrated.

When you get to your stop, and you were not sitting next to the aisle, please don't run over people in a bid to get to the door. Ebu nipite, or nashuka are not the words to use either. A simple excuse me, said audibly enough does the trick. That way you don't step on people's white Tomys  and expect them to have a pleasant day. Oh, and once you are told excuse me, please make way. If you know you filled up the whole seat, stand up and and allow the person to pass. That way, we avoid little embarrassments like my butt wiping all the make-up you took so much time to apply.

7. PDA's and related...

I don't know where to start with this one. Oh, I know. There are some pitiful men, who I have heard (thank God just heard) flash their wee wee(lol) to female passengers. Why? Why? Or ladies with overflowing cleavages. I will not say bad things. I'll leave it there.

Love is a beautiful thing, but PDA? It depends. Groping and doing all manner of things to your partner in the full view of other passengers is just insensitive. Gross. And I am not just saying that because I am ALLEGEDLY single. Lol! Get a room. Not just any enclosed space. A room.

8. Add another one here...

Phew! That felt nice...I have said my own. Enjoy your next ride :)

The People in my matatu

Nothing kills the boredom of sitting in traffic than a data enabled phone with twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Kindle...name it. Really? Imagine all the things you would actually SEE when you put down your phone and look around you. 

Reblogged from Clarity Central

I noticed the conductor’s black nail
His uncombed hair

His brown teeth and
His humongous belt buckle

I could smell  the diesel whenever the matatu accelerated

I could pick out the aroma of chicken and fries
Someone had carried some take out

I saw her fidgeting
Glancing at her phone every 5 minutes
Sometimes biting her lower lip whenever she glanced out the window

I could hear his techno music sipping through his earphones

I could hear a mother instructing the help to check her child’s diaper

I could hear the joyfully banter of the two colleges seated  in  the back

I saw the old man’s eyes flutter
He never seemed to stop yawning
I saw him adjust himself on the seat
Saw his eyelids slowly rest and his breathing slightly steadying.
Saw his head sway to the side as he napped

I saw the matatu speakers vibrating
Saw how dusty the carriage shelf was
I noticed how rusty the door hinges were starting to get.

I saw her squint and rub her eyes
I saw him motion to her to close the window
Saw her shake her head
I saw him clenching his fist and looking away

I smiled.

So this is what I miss when I’m fixated on my phone.

THE BOY WHO WANTS TO BE A MATATU DRIVER

I was watching The Churchill Show (arguably Kenya's top comedy TV show) the other day when the kids segment came up. They were featuring a 7-year old golf champion who will soon represent Kenya in Europe. Her interview was preceded by 'word on the street' where other kids were asked what they wanted to be when they grow up. One of them said confidently,

"Nataka kuwa dere wa Umoinner!" The audience burst into fits of laughter as the host jokingly said, "It matters where you bring up your kids."
Translation: I want to be a matatu driver. This kid was very specific about the bus he wants to drive too- Umoinner.

I laughed too. How can someone desire to be a matatu driver? 

 About a year ago, I sat in the front cabin with driver of a CBD bound matatu. It was raining inside the matatu, you know, the roof leaking and all. The matatu had no radio, my battery was dead, so we started chatting.

"It's hard being a matatu driver or working in this industry in any capacity. If it's not the City Council baying for your blood, its the rude air headed passengers who think they are better than us. Then there is the Traffic police who have collection points every five minutes drive." He said.

He (lets call him John) is a trained engineer. He actually worked in the industry a while before moving to the transport industry. "The pay was poor...not even enough to replace what I'd used to study engineering. I had to choose between having a 'respectable' job while struggling to make ends meet and leaving to find something that would respect my skills." He got initiated into matatus by his aunt and three months on as a driver, he realized what a jackpot mataus were if managed well. He went on to buy his own 14 seater but decided to sell it six months later citing losses. He still wanted to be in this industry so he sought a job with one of the leading bus companies where he works to date.

"Sure, this is not where I thought I would be growing up. The shifts are crazy! If you have a nagging wife, please, this one is not for you."

"So why do you stay?" I asked.

"Well, if someone would pay me my worth in what I trained for, maybe I would; but you know what? Despite all these challenges, I do enjoy my job. Its quite something maintain my level of uprightness in an industry that reeks insults and corruption...and I promise you there are more like me. We are educated and try every single day to make ends meet. Oh, na doe si mbaya saana! So don't be looking at someone and judging them just because they are behind the wheel of a matatu. I helped you get home today, didn't I?"

I wish I'd asked him what he thought of the kid who wanted to be a matatu driver. I wonder how he would have advised him. I remember the kid saying that he admires the way the drivers drive those buses and make sure everyone gets home safely.

Now, should we encourage this kid to dream bigger? Should we tell him that he can do better than be a matatu driver? Should we tell him that being a matatu driver should just be a back up plan? OR should we tell him that whatever HE chooses to be, let him do it the best way he can, with integrity? If you were to share some career advice with him, what would you say? Maybe he'll grow up and change his mind, eh?

Who are these jobs reserved for anyway?

Why I am not buying a car...now

Let me tell you a story! A story of how I had worn a mini skirt and a sleeveless sweater, then the weather changed from very sunny to...sigh...you know, cold and gloomy. At 5pm, the clouds were hanging low. My colleague has a car, so she kindly offered me a lift till Westlands so I could rush home before it pours. Long story short, by the time I was getting out of her car, I had wished for a car of my own about 30 times...and that thought lasted the rest of the night.

But today as I was headed to work, I realized that I don't want that car yet. Strange, I know. Here's why:

1. Plug Sleep Deficit

If you are like me, then, you'll understand this. Whether I sleep early or late, I never get enough sleep. I could take sleep as a punishment! Kwanza that saying ati "Early to bed, early to rise" doesn't work for me. If it were not for the 1 hour matatu rides, I'd probably be sleeping on the job, but alas! As soon as I pay the conductor, I head to slumberland...of course clutching my handbag very tightly.
I met a friend recently and (he paid my fare...lol!) he told me his son had just turned one. He narrated how for this one year, sleep had been a luxury. He and his wife took turns and even those were not enough. Guess what filled up that deficit? Matatus!

2. Your prince/princess charming may be waiting

I remember watching the wedding show some time back and listening to this couple giving the tale of their meeting. It was 6pm, in a matatu going home. The guy had been sitting one seat in-front of the lady. Suddenly, a car appeared and the driver had to brake. This threw everyone forward, others clutching at the seats to steady themselves. As the guy was settling back, he saw the most beautiful fingers he had ever seen (lol) and decided he must speak to the owner, and the rest was history. See? Ya'll single ladies and dudes....you never know! Plus matatus usually have some real eye candy...just for looking, even if you have your prince charming and his horse locked up in your barn ;)

3. Just have a look outside

When driving yourself, you have to FOCUS! Eye on the road. You hardly ever notice the beautiful scenery and when you try to, the drivers behind you honk like there's no tomorrow and startle you back to reality. There is no for daydreaming! You don't notice all the sweet dettol kids billboard ads that bring a smile to my face every time or the many deodorant ads along Langata road-what's up with that?
Many use a particular road everyday and fail to see the most beautiful or horrible things. Like how Langata cemetery is fast filling up and that soon we might have to cremate our loved ones. Granted, you may be chauffeured when you get that car, but by then you'll be feeling so important that your windows will be tinted and closed and you will be replying to your mail and all the other important stuff important people do on their ipads.

4. You get to sit back left and be chauffeured

This is pretty simple. Your dreams are valid...but until they are a reality, how about you pay someone 50 bob or less or slightly more to chauffeur and open the door for you? Ah ah! Who doesn't want that? Of course you have to get used to the car rushing off before you sit down or before you get off completely...but thats a small price to pay...yes? Yes. Now you can sit back and do number 1-3.

5. When is the last time you read a book?

Today. I read it on my way to work. In a matatu. I friend tells me she can't remember the last time she read a book, in hardcover or on kindle because, ni kuendesha nitaendesha gari ama ni kusoma nitasoma...and she's sad about it, because she was once an avid reader. Well, she tried to read before bed but she was so tired from driving and staying in traffic. Besides, she's married now. There are other things people do in bed and before sleeping...I hear.
If you still have that chance, ignite your reading or start. Its not too late.

PS: FaceBOOK doesn't count. Thanks.

6. Can you afford it?

Weh! I think this is self explanatory. Fuel, set covers, tyres, pimped rims and that service here and there. Ah ah! You know the way they say in Kiswahili "Kuzaa si kazi, kulea ndio kazi"? I think this applies to buying a car as well. Kulea hiyo gari inaweza kuwa tricky!! So have a real think about it.

7. If you are married, ladies, you might be in trouble that your man knows his car more than he does you :D

7. You get to have a blog called "My Matatu Chronicles"

Well, this one's already taken. I don't want no competition. Okay I'm kidding. I actually enjoy this. I don't know why. I was having a think on why I do it but as one friend puts it, "ni talanta...si gift."I just see things differently in matatus. Some I keep to myself, others I share here. Aren't you glad though? haha!


I know having a personal car can be real convenient, but it can be a real pain too! So before you buy that car, I suggest you buy a house :)  OR Buy a matatu, hire a driver and conductor and take a ride in it everyday.

I need to run and watch camels race. I'll tell you about it sometime...but for now, can you think of anything else to add to this list?

6 things to learn from a tout in Kenya

Touts can be a real pain. Some have frustrated me more than I care to talk about, but here's the sunny side; there are lessons, positive ones we can learn from them...


1. Optimism/ Seeing the bigger picture

Have you ever gone to a matatu terminus looking to get to your destination as fast as possible? You look around at the busses to see which one is almost full and board it. Sometimes though, you have to rely on the conductor's word. Ever noticed how the bus or mat always needs only one to four people to get full? "Wanne Karen, wanne siste! Gari ya haraka!"You get in, flag down the disappointment of seeing an almost empty vehicle and just sit down when the other passengers give you that face..."Woiye we've been waiting like forever...kaa tu ijae" Shock on you when the 'hired passengers' alight when the bus is almost full! Sigh!

Lesson: Maybe they are just a plain lying lot, lol! But these touts always see the bigger picture even if the situation seems hopeless. As they say, "Haba na haba hujaza kibaba" You will soon jaza gari and be on your way :)

2. #FinanceThings

 Hehe, I'm sure these guys handle a whole load of money everyday. At the end of the day, they need to have fuelled the vehicle, remitted the owner his share and finally pay the driver and of course himself. To achieve these targets, he must charge the correct fare (leave those thieving ones who charge double on seeing a drop of rain), complete the squads required and keep his pockets under lock and key. Hakuna gari ya 10 bob by the way...and they accept nothing less than what is 'theirs'. Best bet you'll be thrown out. Some of these altercations have of course ended tragically and should never be encouraged.

Lesson: Same way touts don't accept 10 sweets in exchange for money. Don't accept it at the supermarket! know your rights! Oh, and be a good manager of your finances.

3. Persistence

What? The number of words these lads say per minute multiplied by the almost 24 hours they work, is impressive! And all this just to convince you to get into their vehicle. They need to earn that wage at the end of the day after all. All you'll need to succeed in this job is super strong vocal cords, bottles of water and a hand made of steel...to hit that side of the bus seriously.

Lesson: No, the lesson here is not to keep shouting. Wait, actually it is! Metaphorically, that is. Whatever your line of work, it definitely needs proper attention. Furnish yourself with whatever tools you need to succeed (super strong vocal cords, bottles of water and a hand made of steel), and then work. Work very hard! Work smart. It won't be long before you see the results.

4. Know the route

Ever met a tout who doesn't know the different stops by name? No. OK, unless its a newbie. But newbies are always accompanied by an oldie/veteran. When going somewhere new, you always ask the conductor if they'll pass this route and if the bus stops at a certain place. They know where they are going. In case of a traffic jam or any other inconvenience, you always hear the tout telling the driver to change the route. Eh, but these tu panya routes are almost always very bumpy you might end up with a broken back or a sore head from hitting the roof every time there is contact with a pothole!

Lesson: Be clear about your life goals and which stops you'll probably make along the way. Sometimes, things happen and you have to take detour. Have a back up plan somewhere. You'll need it. Oh, and as a bonus, si you just mentor someone bila chuki? It adds to your knowledge and grasp of work.

5. Know and have a good working relationship with your colleagues.

The driver and conductor gel like....I don't know. What do people jell like? In short, they get along, and even when they don't, it never gets in the way of work-at least not that I have seen. Ma domez baadaye! 

Lesson: Try and get along with your colleagues, you spend half of your day with them anyway. Never let #workbeefs get in the way of your productivity.

6. Fitness is Key

I'm sure you are wondering what this is all about. Have you ever encountered a fat  oversize tout? Here's why they need to be fit:

a) That superman thing they do when they run on the tarmac and then 'fly' while holding onto that bar at the door. SMH!
b) Most of the matatu aisles are not very wide...leaving very little room to maneuver while collecting bus fare. I'll just stop here with this one.
c) #Kanjothings. Your feet will heal you (mguu niponye). 
d) Them times when you have had to share the 14th seat with him/her because you are running late. A fat  one would push you until you sit on air.
...and many others.

Lesson: Take care of yourself. Usijiachilie. Fullstop.

TO BE CONTINUED...

A panga, a taxi driver and I.

"Kwani matatu chronicles iliendaga wapi?" A friend recently inquired. Well, its still here. The blogger is the one who had gone missing...but I am back. No fret!

I have been so busy chasing elephants, exploits you can read about here, that there is hardly any time left to write. So one day, while I was taking a break from the dusty plains of Samburu, in Nairobi, I boarded...no, took a taxi home. Upgrade nayo? Lol! I was feeling so rich and philanthropic, I offered to give two colleagues a lift. Also good for security, just incase this guy tried something.

About an hour later, we are approaching the Uhuru Highway roundabout when the driver asks,

"Mnadropiwa wapi?"
"Si Ngara?!?" I reply
"Aiii mimi sifiki ngara. Sikuambiwa Ngara mimi. Ngara siingi na hiyo jam ya globe"

See, when I called for a taxi, our office taxi guy had been busy so he sent one of his associates. I thought he had given him all the info regarding drop off and cost so I just got into the car and we had had a smooth drive till now.

"Wee mimi niko na mali ya kampuni hapa. Siwezi shukia njiani. Ndio maana nilipanda taxi. Wacha nipigie Njau" I told him.

I handed him the phone when Njau asked to speak to him.

"Huwa siongei na simu nikiendesha gari" He retorted. Never mind he'd received a couple of calls during this trip. Anyway, long story short, he finally agreed to take me to Ngara. My colleagues had long taken advantage of the jam and alighted. So its just me and him.

To lighten the already tense mood (what was I thinking?) we started talking, quite casually, about people who steal from other's sweat. He told me of times when he was a tailor and someone stole his blinders in town. It was quite a funny story, until he made this comment..."huyo ningempata ningemkatakata mbaya!" All of a sudden, I notice he's from Central Kenya...Meru County going by the accent. I also notice his very black lips and red eyes. Oi! Then he continues, "hata hapa niko na panga. Huwa sikosi panga hapa chini ya kiti na kafimbo huko kwa boot."

Wololo! Is he sending me a coded message? I wondered. He went ahead to give tales of how he had perpendicularly dealt with police officers and Kanju guys who had sought to either rip him off or arrest him for being or not being on the wrong. Like this one of the traffic officer who had got into his car and instructed him to drive to Central Police Station for jumping the traffic lights and evading arrest when the officer flagged him down. He took a detour and took the officer to Kangemi(From the UoN roundabout) and flashing the panga, told him to get out. "Huyo hata ningempeleka base, tungemkatakata tukiwa na wasee wengine wa taxi. Nilimsamehea tu."Not to mention the Kanju ladies he also took to Kangemi and had them handover all the money they had collected that day, of course while waving the famed panga. The cutting obsession quite evident here.

"This man's a psycho!" and the traffic wasn't helping much.  Needless to say, the relief I felt when we took that Sarakasi turn! Priceless. I even tipped him for the scary trip, just incase he decided to lock the doors and add my tale to the ones he'd tell his next client(s).

I dont know if these stories were just fabrications or real(I didn't get to see the panga-thank God!) but I wouldn't take my chances with this man again. I think I'll stick to matatus, unless otherwise.

ION, I can't wait for the finest stop motion film Relief, by Mizani Pictures. Themed around stories like the one I've given above, what ails Nairobi. Read more here www.mizanipictures.wordpress.com

Remember, Mkia wa ng'ombe hauzeeki. Don't ask me what it means, it was a sticker on a matatu :D

Till next time...