Why I am not buying a car...now

Let me tell you a story! A story of how I had worn a mini skirt and a sleeveless sweater, then the weather changed from very sunny to...sigh...you know, cold and gloomy. At 5pm, the clouds were hanging low. My colleague has a car, so she kindly offered me a lift till Westlands so I could rush home before it pours. Long story short, by the time I was getting out of her car, I had wished for a car of my own about 30 times...and that thought lasted the rest of the night.

But today as I was headed to work, I realized that I don't want that car yet. Strange, I know. Here's why:

1. Plug Sleep Deficit

If you are like me, then, you'll understand this. Whether I sleep early or late, I never get enough sleep. I could take sleep as a punishment! Kwanza that saying ati "Early to bed, early to rise" doesn't work for me. If it were not for the 1 hour matatu rides, I'd probably be sleeping on the job, but alas! As soon as I pay the conductor, I head to slumberland...of course clutching my handbag very tightly.
I met a friend recently and (he paid my fare...lol!) he told me his son had just turned one. He narrated how for this one year, sleep had been a luxury. He and his wife took turns and even those were not enough. Guess what filled up that deficit? Matatus!

2. Your prince/princess charming may be waiting

I remember watching the wedding show some time back and listening to this couple giving the tale of their meeting. It was 6pm, in a matatu going home. The guy had been sitting one seat in-front of the lady. Suddenly, a car appeared and the driver had to brake. This threw everyone forward, others clutching at the seats to steady themselves. As the guy was settling back, he saw the most beautiful fingers he had ever seen (lol) and decided he must speak to the owner, and the rest was history. See? Ya'll single ladies and dudes....you never know! Plus matatus usually have some real eye candy...just for looking, even if you have your prince charming and his horse locked up in your barn ;)

3. Just have a look outside

When driving yourself, you have to FOCUS! Eye on the road. You hardly ever notice the beautiful scenery and when you try to, the drivers behind you honk like there's no tomorrow and startle you back to reality. There is no for daydreaming! You don't notice all the sweet dettol kids billboard ads that bring a smile to my face every time or the many deodorant ads along Langata road-what's up with that?
Many use a particular road everyday and fail to see the most beautiful or horrible things. Like how Langata cemetery is fast filling up and that soon we might have to cremate our loved ones. Granted, you may be chauffeured when you get that car, but by then you'll be feeling so important that your windows will be tinted and closed and you will be replying to your mail and all the other important stuff important people do on their ipads.

4. You get to sit back left and be chauffeured

This is pretty simple. Your dreams are valid...but until they are a reality, how about you pay someone 50 bob or less or slightly more to chauffeur and open the door for you? Ah ah! Who doesn't want that? Of course you have to get used to the car rushing off before you sit down or before you get off completely...but thats a small price to pay...yes? Yes. Now you can sit back and do number 1-3.

5. When is the last time you read a book?

Today. I read it on my way to work. In a matatu. I friend tells me she can't remember the last time she read a book, in hardcover or on kindle because, ni kuendesha nitaendesha gari ama ni kusoma nitasoma...and she's sad about it, because she was once an avid reader. Well, she tried to read before bed but she was so tired from driving and staying in traffic. Besides, she's married now. There are other things people do in bed and before sleeping...I hear.
If you still have that chance, ignite your reading or start. Its not too late.

PS: FaceBOOK doesn't count. Thanks.

6. Can you afford it?

Weh! I think this is self explanatory. Fuel, set covers, tyres, pimped rims and that service here and there. Ah ah! You know the way they say in Kiswahili "Kuzaa si kazi, kulea ndio kazi"? I think this applies to buying a car as well. Kulea hiyo gari inaweza kuwa tricky!! So have a real think about it.

7. If you are married, ladies, you might be in trouble that your man knows his car more than he does you :D

7. You get to have a blog called "My Matatu Chronicles"

Well, this one's already taken. I don't want no competition. Okay I'm kidding. I actually enjoy this. I don't know why. I was having a think on why I do it but as one friend puts it, "ni talanta...si gift."I just see things differently in matatus. Some I keep to myself, others I share here. Aren't you glad though? haha!


I know having a personal car can be real convenient, but it can be a real pain too! So before you buy that car, I suggest you buy a house :)  OR Buy a matatu, hire a driver and conductor and take a ride in it everyday.

I need to run and watch camels race. I'll tell you about it sometime...but for now, can you think of anything else to add to this list?

6 things to learn from a tout in Kenya

Touts can be a real pain. Some have frustrated me more than I care to talk about, but here's the sunny side; there are lessons, positive ones we can learn from them...


1. Optimism/ Seeing the bigger picture

Have you ever gone to a matatu terminus looking to get to your destination as fast as possible? You look around at the busses to see which one is almost full and board it. Sometimes though, you have to rely on the conductor's word. Ever noticed how the bus or mat always needs only one to four people to get full? "Wanne Karen, wanne siste! Gari ya haraka!"You get in, flag down the disappointment of seeing an almost empty vehicle and just sit down when the other passengers give you that face..."Woiye we've been waiting like forever...kaa tu ijae" Shock on you when the 'hired passengers' alight when the bus is almost full! Sigh!

Lesson: Maybe they are just a plain lying lot, lol! But these touts always see the bigger picture even if the situation seems hopeless. As they say, "Haba na haba hujaza kibaba" You will soon jaza gari and be on your way :)

2. #FinanceThings

 Hehe, I'm sure these guys handle a whole load of money everyday. At the end of the day, they need to have fuelled the vehicle, remitted the owner his share and finally pay the driver and of course himself. To achieve these targets, he must charge the correct fare (leave those thieving ones who charge double on seeing a drop of rain), complete the squads required and keep his pockets under lock and key. Hakuna gari ya 10 bob by the way...and they accept nothing less than what is 'theirs'. Best bet you'll be thrown out. Some of these altercations have of course ended tragically and should never be encouraged.

Lesson: Same way touts don't accept 10 sweets in exchange for money. Don't accept it at the supermarket! know your rights! Oh, and be a good manager of your finances.

3. Persistence

What? The number of words these lads say per minute multiplied by the almost 24 hours they work, is impressive! And all this just to convince you to get into their vehicle. They need to earn that wage at the end of the day after all. All you'll need to succeed in this job is super strong vocal cords, bottles of water and a hand made of steel...to hit that side of the bus seriously.

Lesson: No, the lesson here is not to keep shouting. Wait, actually it is! Metaphorically, that is. Whatever your line of work, it definitely needs proper attention. Furnish yourself with whatever tools you need to succeed (super strong vocal cords, bottles of water and a hand made of steel), and then work. Work very hard! Work smart. It won't be long before you see the results.

4. Know the route

Ever met a tout who doesn't know the different stops by name? No. OK, unless its a newbie. But newbies are always accompanied by an oldie/veteran. When going somewhere new, you always ask the conductor if they'll pass this route and if the bus stops at a certain place. They know where they are going. In case of a traffic jam or any other inconvenience, you always hear the tout telling the driver to change the route. Eh, but these tu panya routes are almost always very bumpy you might end up with a broken back or a sore head from hitting the roof every time there is contact with a pothole!

Lesson: Be clear about your life goals and which stops you'll probably make along the way. Sometimes, things happen and you have to take detour. Have a back up plan somewhere. You'll need it. Oh, and as a bonus, si you just mentor someone bila chuki? It adds to your knowledge and grasp of work.

5. Know and have a good working relationship with your colleagues.

The driver and conductor gel like....I don't know. What do people jell like? In short, they get along, and even when they don't, it never gets in the way of work-at least not that I have seen. Ma domez baadaye! 

Lesson: Try and get along with your colleagues, you spend half of your day with them anyway. Never let #workbeefs get in the way of your productivity.

6. Fitness is Key

I'm sure you are wondering what this is all about. Have you ever encountered a fat  oversize tout? Here's why they need to be fit:

a) That superman thing they do when they run on the tarmac and then 'fly' while holding onto that bar at the door. SMH!
b) Most of the matatu aisles are not very wide...leaving very little room to maneuver while collecting bus fare. I'll just stop here with this one.
c) #Kanjothings. Your feet will heal you (mguu niponye). 
d) Them times when you have had to share the 14th seat with him/her because you are running late. A fat  one would push you until you sit on air.
...and many others.

Lesson: Take care of yourself. Usijiachilie. Fullstop.

TO BE CONTINUED...

A panga, a taxi driver and I.

"Kwani matatu chronicles iliendaga wapi?" A friend recently inquired. Well, its still here. The blogger is the one who had gone missing...but I am back. No fret!

I have been so busy chasing elephants, exploits you can read about here, that there is hardly any time left to write. So one day, while I was taking a break from the dusty plains of Samburu, in Nairobi, I boarded...no, took a taxi home. Upgrade nayo? Lol! I was feeling so rich and philanthropic, I offered to give two colleagues a lift. Also good for security, just incase this guy tried something.

About an hour later, we are approaching the Uhuru Highway roundabout when the driver asks,

"Mnadropiwa wapi?"
"Si Ngara?!?" I reply
"Aiii mimi sifiki ngara. Sikuambiwa Ngara mimi. Ngara siingi na hiyo jam ya globe"

See, when I called for a taxi, our office taxi guy had been busy so he sent one of his associates. I thought he had given him all the info regarding drop off and cost so I just got into the car and we had had a smooth drive till now.

"Wee mimi niko na mali ya kampuni hapa. Siwezi shukia njiani. Ndio maana nilipanda taxi. Wacha nipigie Njau" I told him.

I handed him the phone when Njau asked to speak to him.

"Huwa siongei na simu nikiendesha gari" He retorted. Never mind he'd received a couple of calls during this trip. Anyway, long story short, he finally agreed to take me to Ngara. My colleagues had long taken advantage of the jam and alighted. So its just me and him.

To lighten the already tense mood (what was I thinking?) we started talking, quite casually, about people who steal from other's sweat. He told me of times when he was a tailor and someone stole his blinders in town. It was quite a funny story, until he made this comment..."huyo ningempata ningemkatakata mbaya!" All of a sudden, I notice he's from Central Kenya...Meru County going by the accent. I also notice his very black lips and red eyes. Oi! Then he continues, "hata hapa niko na panga. Huwa sikosi panga hapa chini ya kiti na kafimbo huko kwa boot."

Wololo! Is he sending me a coded message? I wondered. He went ahead to give tales of how he had perpendicularly dealt with police officers and Kanju guys who had sought to either rip him off or arrest him for being or not being on the wrong. Like this one of the traffic officer who had got into his car and instructed him to drive to Central Police Station for jumping the traffic lights and evading arrest when the officer flagged him down. He took a detour and took the officer to Kangemi(From the UoN roundabout) and flashing the panga, told him to get out. "Huyo hata ningempeleka base, tungemkatakata tukiwa na wasee wengine wa taxi. Nilimsamehea tu."Not to mention the Kanju ladies he also took to Kangemi and had them handover all the money they had collected that day, of course while waving the famed panga. The cutting obsession quite evident here.

"This man's a psycho!" and the traffic wasn't helping much.  Needless to say, the relief I felt when we took that Sarakasi turn! Priceless. I even tipped him for the scary trip, just incase he decided to lock the doors and add my tale to the ones he'd tell his next client(s).

I dont know if these stories were just fabrications or real(I didn't get to see the panga-thank God!) but I wouldn't take my chances with this man again. I think I'll stick to matatus, unless otherwise.

ION, I can't wait for the finest stop motion film Relief, by Mizani Pictures. Themed around stories like the one I've given above, what ails Nairobi. Read more here www.mizanipictures.wordpress.com

Remember, Mkia wa ng'ombe hauzeeki. Don't ask me what it means, it was a sticker on a matatu :D

Till next time...

Awakening the ghost town with a BANG!!

Whoa! Matatu Chronicles has been a a ghost town! No, I haven't bought a car...yet. I have just been getting a lot of lifts- from people I know- I will have you know I don't accept lifts from strangers, maybe if they look like Tyrese. Actually, even if it were Tyrese himself, I wouldn't!! The hot ones are most often the kidnappers....lol!

Anyway, while these streets were cold and silent, others were blowing up-literally. The month of May showed up, sadly, with a bang! Two twin bombings in Mombasa and Nairobi, all happening in a span of 24 hours. Let me take you a day back . Saturday, 3rd May 2014, found me on the road travelling to Nairobi from Isiolo. I think that was the most uncomfortable journey I have had to bear in a long time. The driver was chewing hard on his bunch of Miraa (khat) while driving like he had an appointment with death and wanted to bring visitors with him. The driving, mark you, was the secondary activity here, not the miraa chewing. Sure enough, we ran over a goat in Nanyuki. Don't ask if we stopped to give the poor mammal CPR. Next to him in the front cabin, were two Somali looking individuals- a lady and a young man, probably in his teens. The rest of the occupants including me, were what we would immediately say, Kenyans.

Miles away from Isiolo, we are stopped at a road block. One of the cops, holding a G3 immediately inspects the car to check for overload, I suppose. He then goes to the driver's side and asks for his driving licence. Lo and behold! The license expired sometime mid 2013! and the burger was driving like that? Surely! He was told to step out of the car and they, another cop had come to join the party, walked to the back of the matatu. "Najua ni hongo wanaenda kuitisha sasa..." I 'whispered' to my colleague who was half asleep nursing a serious hangover. As soon as I said that, it dawned on me that from my now strategic back seat position coupled with the fact that I cant whisper to save my life, chances were high that I could be heard so I stole a quick glance at the trio and then stared straight ahead. Immediately, one of the cops came back. Wololo! They heard me! I breathed a sigh of relief when he walked to the front seat. It was not me they were coming for!

"Habari mama? Mmetoka wapi?"
...response
"Mnaenda wapi?"
...response
"Kijana ako na miaka ngapi?"
...response.

By now, we were all looking, keenly listening and maybe thinking, "Should we have asked them that before they boarded the car?" Lame. I know! I guess the cop noticed and turned to the rest of us.

"Habari zenu?"
  Silence
"Hebu kila mtu atoe national ID haraka haraka. Kitambulisho!"

He starts checking calling out names from the different IDs issued. My turn.

"Yangu iko huko nyuma...kwa boot"
"Shuka utoe"

Now, this matatu we had boarded is supposed to be a shuttle. Normally, a shuttle has enough space for a size 16 mama like me to alight without having to cause too much disturbance, maybe accidents. But no, not this one. The owners of this one had decided that space is overrated. Weh! I finally found my way out and handed them the ID.

"Haya. Sasa kaa nayo kwa mfuko incase uitishwe huko mbele."

I really don't know what went on with the driver and the cops after that. Maybe he was let off with a warning. Maybe he bribed them. I don't know. All I know is in a few minutes we were on the road again, the driver keen on regaining lost time, if you know what I mean. I put my whispering skills to test again and told my colleague.

"Hao watu ndio walifanya tusimamishwe na tuitishwe ID. Matatu nyingi sana zilipita lakini hazikusimamishwa."

Colleague: Kuprofile watu nayo? (Why are you profiling people?)
Me: Not me. The cops.

All in all we got to Nairobi safe. Thank God! I get home relieved just to see "BREAKING NEWS" on the Mombasa blasts; then the Thika road blasts on Sunday, 5:30pm. Devastation. Have we, "Kenyans" become such easy targets? Whose fault is it? Has the president and his government failed us? Hashtags cropped up on social media,  #someonetelluhurukenyatta  #EndGameSomalia, #ThikaRoadBlast  #NationalSecurityKE all attempting to spur the leadership to some sort of action. Sunday night, on a check up call, a close friend admits that she wouldn't get into a matatu with a Somali. I laugh and tell her to stop being paranoid, and that it would be unfair to pin down every Somali or Somali looking individual and call them terrorists. Deep down though, I knew I have thought about it a couple of times too. Looked at them differently, especially when a blast is still fresh.

So this morning, on my way to work a young man, seemingly tired gets into the bus and sits next to me. Despite the fact that it had been raining furiously in the morning, the chap didn't have a sweater on. The bus filled up and moved onto Lang'ata road. The lad receives a call and speaking in Dholuo, tells the person the other end of the line that he's from hospital and was heading to work. A second call comes in minutes later, and only then do I get to know why he was in hospital. Until then, I had assumed that he was the sick one. He explained to the caller that the metals from the bomb had lodged into 'his' skin and he could not walk. He had spent the night in the hospital looking after him and the doctors had said that he would be discharged tomorrow. He added that he would go straight to the hospital from work in the evening. I felt my eyes well up. His voice sounded tired, resigned, but still willing to put up a brave face for a loved one.

It really dawned on me then and sank deeply that it could happen to anyone of us, a family member, a friend, and even though I knew nothing about this man seated next me, I could feel his pain. A pain that one way or the other becomes every single Kenyan's pain. Lets stop racial profiling, it only encourages the terrorists to carry more attacks on this divided society.

 #PRAYFORKENYA  #PRAYFOROURLEADERS 
 #PRAYFORTHEPERPERTRATORS 

Can I escort you?

Then matatus striked. smh! Hawa watu ni mahungry! They can't even sustain a two day strike to show they are serious. They just need tips from teachers and our nurses. Wait, did I say two day?? Hardly. They were back in business on the evening of the first day of the alleged 'strike'. One problem though. How is it that on the very next day they are busy raising fares as if we are the ones who had forced them out of work? So this Eastleigh mini bus stops at the stage and the makanga spits into the air "50 bob tao!" The heck?! Mahali si hulipa ashu ama mbao! I told him off and he said. "Madam vile wee smart unabargain?"LOL! Will I eat the smartness? Anyway, after three more came with the same stupidity, I ended up walking to town ;) 15minutes tu! Quite hilarious all these women who walk like ducks in heels. Ya'll didn't see Robert Alai's post warning of a potential strike last night? Ha!

Matatus blocking Thika road in the AM    Image: Facebook

By the way, that aside, Nairobi weather is weird! One minute we(my girlfriends and I) are laughing our way to the terminals, the skies seemingly clear- ok maybe we didn't look up- but you know the way Nairobians start running everywhere as soon as someone hints that its gonna fall? Well there was none of that! We said our goodbyes and went our ways. No sooner had I sat down, than the conductor said "He! Na kunakaa kudrizzle aje?" I was busy wallowing in the miasma of the conductor knowing the word 'drizzle'- come on, don't make that face, some of them don't look like they might know- that I didn't quite get that it was really gonna rain. A few minutes later it was pouring like nonsense!

I kept hoping that by the time we got to our stage, posta, the rain would have relaxed kidogo so I could run the 500metres to our flats. Nothing! Infact its as if the skies were waiting for me to get off so that it pours in earnest! You should have seen the Eastleigh bound passengers looking at me as if they'll never get off! Oh, I forgot to say I was freezing and shinning…well, si sana! but I had on a grey mini skirt, a black peplum top and black doll shoes. oh, and that emergency scarf every lady has in their gunny bags-handbags-fornication bags-choose one. No umbrella.

Sigh! My nicely done afro! I had forgotten about it! It didn't look like it was going to stop soon, so I pulled my pink scarf over my head and started running, hopping and skipping over and into puddles of water that smelt as bad as they looked. Then it happened. I heard footsteps! Yes, they were louder than the rain! I had stopped running and had maintained a relatively quick step. I looked back, clutched my handbag tighter and started walking-running. No use. The guy caught up with me and said "hi." Really? you are greeting people in the rain?psycho! I ignored him. "You look really nice, you know that?" He continued! At least his English was good. But no. Criminal minds and people are more educated that ever! "Where are you going?" he quipped. In my mind, "where do you think?" In reality, "Si naenda kwangu?" I replied getting real irritated.

Surely, this guy saw me running in the rain, without an umbrella, and all he could think of was throwing darts? Afadhali hata angekuwa na mwavuli! I would have listened. There were more important things that had to be taken care off now. He continued "Can I give you a push?" Lol! Who still says that? I smiled discreetly.

"Ati?"
"It was just a humble request, can I escort you?"
Escort tena? that just sounds wrong. "No, I am okay. Nishafika hata"
"But you are still moving?"
Lord give me patience! How does one not know that the only time you hit on a lady-or man :D while its raining, actually the two times, is when;
1) You have an umbrella. Gives you an excuse to 'give her/him a push'.
2) You are both sheltering from the rain on one of those busy Nairobi streets where willingly or unwillingly, people share warmth in those cold times. Sometimes we will also share our phones, money and other valuables too.
"Okay, thanks so much for offering but am fine. Much appreciated."

He finally got the point and said goodnight. I didn't look back to see where he disappeared to. If we lived in a crime free world, I imagine that maybe he would have been bold and swept me off my feet, literally, and asked me "Which direction? A beautiful damsel like you shouldn't be rained on" Then he would run with my 80kgs self in his arms and gently put me down once we get to the gate. Like the perfect gentleman, I think, he would not insist on coming in for a drink and would disappear into the night leaving me with all the awwwws and aaaaahs. 

*SLAP*

Back to reality. Ladies, how would you have reacted? Men? Do share below!

Meanwhile, my seat mate had this :) Nadhani alikuwa anatoka western ….

Enjoy your weekend!

TGIV- Thank God It's Valentines!

TGIF!! TGIV!!

Valentines IS a BIG deal. I don't know why people pretend its not and try to look all macho, please! So now, in the first matatu I boarded, no one had worn red. These boring people! The mood was not right here, watu walikuwa wamekula ndimu nini? I sat there Facebooking, with my touch of red, not too obvious and not to be ignored either. This week the conductors have been all things mannerless, annoying and nothing good; but today, he smiled his stained teeth at me and said "Good day!" Awwww! Aki ni valentines! I believe!

Wee! What was missing in my first ride was made up for in the CBD! Red tu! Stands with red monkeys (really?!!), teddy bears, flowers (both plastic and real) plus the lady with the red wedges, red dress, red hairband all colour blocked by her complexion and the black paper bag she was carrying, dotted the streets.

I din't tell Omosh (refer to first blog post) "Happy Valentines", but I did wave. The air in the matatu was stuffy. I secured myself a window seat and hastily opened the window lest I suffocate on this auspicious day. It would be a tragedy. "She died smelling bad things instead of roses." Nothing in the matatu screamed VALENTINES! Except of course for the music. As I sat down, the song "I just can't stop loving you' was playing. Was it a sign that it was going to be a good day? Hmmm, I think its important to mention that he-the driver also played Tina Turner's 'What's love got to do with it?' Sigh. Otherwise, the nappers napped, the eaters ate and the readers read. The chic next to me was busy using her phone as a mirror. Times are hard. If I was her boyfriend, I would have been saved the trouble of thinking up a valentines gift.

Even the roads are feeling romantic today. No traffic even on the notorious parking lot that is Lang'ata road. The Nyayo Stadium roundabout is awash with activity as ladies and gentlemen in red t-shirts carry out some sort of promotion...which reminds me, I saw a lady wearing a Bites promo tshirt. It was red alright. She might have been going to work, at the bites company, or-my best bet- she was in the red theme. Surely, its never that serious. If you cant find a red something that's not doing a free sales pitch, wacha tu...

And that was my valentines morning, ended in a bit of an anticlimax though, at a stop before mine, when both the driver and the conductor decided to take a piss kando ya barabara. One thing you must do when you get off a matatu, wash your hands, especially if the conductor handed you change. That is all.

Am out! Happy Valentines! Don't call me, tell me in the comment box below :D

IDENTITY CRISIS...NOT!

This should have been a Friday post. Laziness! I rebuke thee!

****

At any one time, Public Service Vehicles (PSVs) in Kenya have all manner species of the the Kenyan population. The ring leader of course is the conductor. They always stand out, whether they are being extremely rude, unbelievably polite or pocketing our change. Once in a while, they surprise us with language gems. Take this one I encountered on my way to church. He was quite upset that the driver had let another mini bus overtake theirs, which I must say was quite a mkebe! So naturally, it couldn't keep up with this one christened 'Chrome'. It would be safe then to say that our matatu was 'Windows'. A while later, the driver had to give up the 'chase' and that's when I heard one of the most hilarious sayings as said by the conductor. "....aaaahh, wachana naye! Huwezi shindana na ndovu kukojoa!" What?! But having worked with elephants...I see where he's coming from :D

Anyway, See if you can spot yourself...

1. The napper

I am sure we have all found ourselves here at one point or another. As soon as you pay your fare, you are off to dreamland. This is especially convenient if you are a long distancer, even in Nairobi. Now, there is nothing wrong with sleeping, just a few ground rules to help you and your seatmate and sometimes the whole bus:
-Secure all your belongings. Don't go putting a brother into temptations or leading one to break the 10 commandments na ulikuwa tu umeanika vitu hapo.

-If you didn't brush your teeth before you left the house, or wherever, chew some gum. not the sugary ones. mint. It is just a precaution because my 123 research reveals that 98% of passengers are likely to sleep with mouths agape.

- In the same breath, your stomach must have been cleared prior to boarding the bus/matatu etc. Yeah. Enough said.

-Unless you are travelling with a loved one, seatmates' shoulders are off-limits.

- If you are travelling alone, time your sleep, ama utapitishwa.

2. The idler...ok, the observer

These ones always insist on having the window seat. Try asking them to open it for some fresh air though..."Na si kuna upepo baridi sana? Mi huwa na shida ya kifua" Surely, then let someone else have the seat. Anyway, these ones look outside and blankly into space the whole time. Once in a while they will glance at the contents of the reader's book, paper, or phone and help them read. smh! beware of these ones, their seemingly absent mindedness sometimes makes your valuables do disappearing acts. They can also get scary with all their staring.


2. The reader

These are the model citizens. If its not a newspaper, it's a very thick or thin novel or the smart phone. It doesn't matter, they are always reading. They of course have to deal with the The Idler, but most of the time, random giggles, laughs and sighs give you an idea of what's happening in their own world. Yeah, especially the ones reading FaceBOOK and whatSHARP!

3. The activist

aaaaah! These are just the best, or the worst depending on what side of the scuffle you are at. Once, some guy calmly called the conductor and asked him if the radio station could be changed. The conductor declines and tells him to ask the other passengers. So the guys gets up, on behalf of all those wishing Classic 105 away. Long story short, no one supported him, woiye and no one counteracted his arguments either. So, status quo. I mostly love the activists who zusha when the fare is hiked and actually refuse to pay that amount. They be my heroes.
Half the time though, these ones are usually drunk. Why? Smh. Kenyans are cowards. We would never utter some things and challenge these matatu guys unless we are high on something e.g anger. Who disagrees? No one. Good.

4. The talker

Hehe. Talkers. Quite obvious isn't it? They are the worst neighbours when all you want is a good read, sleep or idling :D "Umeskia Maina leo? aki nyinyi wasichana wa siku hizi?" I was on my way to Nairobi from a field trip last September and was reading The Alchemist (Yes, am a reader) pole pole. The guy next to me wouldn't stop talking about the bananas in Murang'a, the women in Nyeri and the heat in Isiolo. When he got tired of this, he asked to see what I was reading and requested that I open a certain page. "Hii kitabu nimewahi soma. Fungua pg 58 uone msemo iko hapo kali!" LOL. Really? I indulged him. Lo and behold! No msemo! Then this morning, a young lady busy whatsapping while the young man tried vibing her, telling her about the state of the nation, corruption etc. Please talker, take the hint and choose any of the above.

5. The matatu idol
Weh! Weh! Weh! These ones know every song! Chida ya matamchi not withstanding. The funniest thing is when the driver reduces the volume of the radio, the volume of their voice goes down too :D Well, I guess not everyone can afford to sing in karaoke joints or their own homes. Sigh. Even when they have their own head or earphones on. Ad lib maybe?

6. The Mother
If unlike me you don't really care much for kids, then avoid her at all costs. Otherwise you might be required to play nanny, clown, nurse and playmate.


7. The visitor- "Kaa Chonjo"

Admit it. you have been this one. You probably were one today. If you are usually classified as one of the above, on this particular day, you are none! You are frantic. Always craning your neck looking over and outside the window. You wonder if you should ask your seatmate if he/she knows the place, but paranoia gets the best of you and you decide to trust the conductor who ends up forgetting and you miss your stop. Sometimes the conductor shouts the stage name, but most of the time, woe unto you! "Ah mathe si ungesema? Shika hii ashu upande mat ingine." Mind you, fare to your stop might be twice that amount. The only solution to this is to sit right next to the conductor and poke him at every stop, "Ni hapa?" 

Oh, I almost forgot this one....

8. The eater

Seriously, are you always hungry or just trying to kill off boredom? These ones can't wait to get to their destination to eat the samosas. Well, maybe they slept hungry, or didn't have breakfast. But now the cocktail that is the spicy samosa aroma, and stuffy mixture of carbon dioxide and oxygen in an enclosed moving box that is the matatu, is not very interesting. Then there are those who come drunk. Please. Watch yourself. The worst thing is sitting next to these guys who drink super cheap toxic stuff (ok, I don't care for the expensive ones too)as they insist on discussing the politics of the day with you. 
My recommendation: Eat at or when you get to your destination. Simple. Only non-alcoholic drinks are allowed, to discourage bloating which then leads to ma-sound effects :)

Have you found yourself? Anymore to add? Feel free oh :)

Thanks for reading, and remember, If you chew on raw garlic, don't beat stories. Choose to be idle.